By Andrew Cline on 7.24.07 @ 12:12AM
An early look at what went down today.
Today the American and Iranian ambassadors to Iraq hold official
talks in which they are scheduled to drink Iranian beer, play lots
of Texas Hold 'Em poker and insult each other's mother in both
Farsi and Arabic. But here is how it ought to go down:
Iranian Ambassador Hassan Kazemi-Qomi:
Greetings, my most venerable American friend.
U.S. ambassador Ryan Crocker: Cut the crap,
falafel breath.
Kazemi-Qomi: Ha, ha, ha! Good one. Nice to see
you, old friend.
Crocker: I wasn't joking. Your breath smells
like hamsters. And I'm not your friend. Get your hand off my
waist.
Kazemi-Qomi: Many apologies, worthy American
colleague. I am displeased to see that relations between our
countries have soured since our last meeting.
Crocker: I'll give you sour. See this picture?
That's what's left of one of our Humvees after an encounter with an
Iranian-made improvised explosive device. We know it was made in
Iran because it says "made by crypto-Nazi totalitarian madmen right
here in beautiful downtown Tehran."
Kazemi-Qomi: It says no such thing, of
course.
Crocker: You're right, it doesn't. We tortured,
no, scratch that. We gently persuaded the sh** out of some poor
bastard until he led us to the people who made it. Guess what? They
speak Farsi.
Kazemi-Qomi: You can't prove that. You can't
prove anything.
Crocker: No, but I can easily arrange it so
that every Iranian in Baghdad dies in a "suicide bombing." Sunnis
hate Iranian lackeys.
Kazemi-Qomi: My country does not supply arms to
the insurgency. We are neutral in this conflict, as you know.
Crocker: This picture shows a cache of
Iranian-made weapons we uncovered two weeks ago. I think we'll kill
one Iranian "spy" for every weapon, what do you think?
Kazemi-Qomi: Those? Those aren't weapons.
They're, ah, parade floats. Boy they look convincing, don't
they?
Crocker: That must be some parade. Do you shoot
the spectators when it's over or as it moves along?
Kazemi-Qomi: We shoot no one, they are merely
props for the weekly "Death To The Great Satan Parade." All in good
fun, of course. You know we would never condone any act that leads
to the death of even a single American citizen. Except for dirty,
lying CIA spies unconvincingly playing a journalist or
academic.
Crocker: Look, either stop the traffic in
weapons over the border...
Kazemi-Qomi: Or what, my friend? You'll call
the E.U.? They LOVE us over there! And don't even think about
calling the U.N. We're on the Human Rights Commission! They love us
almost as much as they loved Saddam!
Crocker: Or we'll shave Mahmoud's beard, dye
all of his clothes pink and replace every one of his CDs with the
Spice Girls. And some other stuff I can't talk about. Did you know
that Navy Seals can kill you about 1,000 different ways?
Kazemi-Qomi: We both know you wouldn't dare
send the Seals across our border. The United Nations would not
approve, and look what trouble your president got into the last
time he did something without U.N. approval. Besides, we are not
afraid of your Seals.
Crocker: Oh, yeah? See that curtain over
there?
Kazemi-Qomi: Yes.
Crocker: It's not a curtain.
Kazemi-Qomi: Don't be absurd, Mr. Crocker.
Crocker: It's three Seals dressed in curtain
fabric. See that lamp? It's a Seal, too. And that side table?
Kazemi-Qomi: It's the same with all of you
Americans. You threaten more than you can deliver. And eventually,
no one is afraid of you anymore.
Crocker: Show yourselves, boys!
Kazemi-Qomi: Holy...
Crocker: Now, about those four American
hostages we know you have....
topics:
Iraq, Iran, United Nations
