The American Spectator

All of the rebels here today look the same. They all look as if they should be running candle shops in New Hope, Pennsylvania. Or lecturing me on Darfur on Sproul Plaza. Why do all those proclaiming their uniqueness look identical?

It’s because, just maybe, they aren’t rebels at all. Rebels, in general, face consequences for their rebellion. They are often ridiculed, shamed, sometimes beaten.

Here in America people make millions pretending to be rebels, without paying a price. Impostors like Sean Penn, Marilyn Manson, and the recently reformed Rage Against the Machine all seem so cutting edge to their fans — but to the rest of us they’re as safe as milk. The biggest culprit? The Suicide Girls: goth-punk chicks who express their individuality through porn, tattoos, and piercing. The more rebellious they act out, the more banal they become.

This kind of rebellion is simply narcissism. So while the rest of these people on this lovely day prefer to rock out in the spirit of rebellion — I would like to salute the real rebels in this world: little old ladies. These are the folks who pay their bills and drive under the speed limit, usually perched on a pillow so they can see above the dash. They are cooler than lesbians and tougher than nails. And they always send you twenty dollars in a card on your birthday.

Now, where’s the toilet?

Greg Gutfeld, former editor of Maxim (UK), Men’s Health, and Stuff, is host of Red Eye on Fox News.