I’m convinced there’s a Movie Critics and Reviewers Union work
rule requiring that any list of “best movies” must have that
tedious and pompous bore, Citizen Kane, at the top.
Comes now the American Film Institute and its updated list of
“100 Greatest Movies” and, sure enough, this over-long snoozer,
featuring a young but pompous-beyond-his-years Orson Welles, leads
the list. It’s one of the mysteries of the ages why this talky
movie, which seems to be famous for being famous, is whooped up so
much. I’ve never been able to stay awake through it.
The AFI list, which contains other world-class bores and
post-everything train-wrecks, was compiled by a jury (of just
exactly whose peers, we are entitled to ask) of 1,500 “film
artists, critics, and historians.” The list and the movies were the
subject of a recent TV special that, I’m happy to report, I
missed.
On its website,
the AFI describes itself as “a national institute providing
leadership in screen education and celebration of excellence in the
art of film, television, and digital media.”
Oh.
Well, listen up. If this and the next generation of film-makers
is being cranked out by folks whose idea of a good time is watching
Citizen Kane for three hours (or is it five?), then we
better pray tonight’s ball game is not rained out, because there’ll
be little worth our time at the Bijou.
Runner up on the “100 Best” list is, The Godfather, a
well-done and worthy flick, even if it does make gangsters look
more cuddly than they really are.
In third is the justly-praised Casablanca, which
belongs on any best-list. A near pitch-perfect suspense/romance
thriller with riveting performances by Bogie and Claude Rains, as
well as Ingrid Bergman at her knock-out best. (Bergman was so
appealing in that movie I still get a rush when I hear a woman with
a Swedish accent — though the closest I’ve gotten to
my dream is owning two Volvos.) It’s even contributed such useful
gems to the language as, “I’m shocked, shocked,” “here’s looking at
you, kid,” and, “round up the usual suspects.”
But with the exception of Casablanca and a few other
exceptional entertainments such as Butch Cassidy and the
Sundance Kid, Duck Soup, The African Queen,
Bridge Over the River Kwai, and The Searchers,
the 100-best list is heavily salted with some truly execrable
movies. Some of the entries make a body wonder what would be on the
AFI’s 100-worst list.
Some prosecution exhibits from the list:
Gone With the Wind— Is it over yet? Frankly my dear,
I’m dozing off again. It’s probably not a good idea for filmmakers
to use the word “Wind” in the titles of their movies, especially
overwrought soapers that last longer than the Middle Ages, the NBA
Playoffs, and the collected speeches of Bill Clinton.
2001, A Space Odyssey — What on earth (or elsewhere)
is this movie about? I can’t decide if Stanley Kubrick is
mostly fatuous, mostly pretentious, or just preposterous.
Raging Bull — Could have been called “Raging Bore.”
It’s quite an accomplishment to make Jake La Matta boring, but
somehow Martin Scorsese pulls it off.
Titanic — The 1997 one with the simpering DiCaprio
boy, which is saved from being a total waste of time by Kate
Winslet’s bare chest. Everything wrong with the modern blockbuster
is wrong with this bad movie. It’s a mind-numbing chick-flick that
cost more than the national debt to make. It doesn’t miss a single
movie cliche.
Midnight Cowboy — @#$%^&! Everyone associated with
this truly awful experience should be hanged.
Apocalypse Now — Also known as “Apoplexy Now.” A
totally incoherent movie. If this one is, as advertised, a remake
of Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad’s estate should sue.
Coppola should switch to decaf.
Bonnie and Clyde — Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs lend
some great banjo music to a pointless celebration of two
incompetent, homicidal sociopaths with machine guns.
The Graduate — Ben Braddock is not jut a moron, he’s a
pluperfect moron. Mrs. Robinson is supposed to be one of the
heavies. But at least she knows what she wants to do with her
time.
Easy Rider — Fonda and Nicholson ride around and smoke
dope to no purpose. Dennis Hopper does his twitchy, dirt-bag
shtick. (He’s very good at this — hardly seems to be acting at
all.) At least the movie has a happy ending.
The Deer Hunter — Another incoherent movie about
Vietnam. Or at least the Vietnam phantasms of a bunch of New
York/L.A. film drones who’ve never been closer to the military than
an Independence Day parade.
The Grapes of Wrath — Really more of a political
pamphlet than either a movie or a novel. It’s hard to imagine how
an adult could watch or read either one.
Platoon — Wherein we learn that every G.I. who served
in Vietnam was a drug-crazed, homicidal maniac.
Goodfellas — A waste of time and celluloid, as most
already knew that gangsters say m—————r. A lot.
The Shawshank Redemption — At least this movie
establishes beyond doubt that Morgan Freeman has star quality.
Otherwise it just makes heroes out of a bunch of crooks.
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? — Should have been
called, “Who Gives a Rat’s Patootie About Virginia Woolf?” Or about
Liz and Burt, come to that.
Sophie’s Choice — Choose something else.
I COULD GO ON, but you get the idea. It’s a peculiar list, taken
all around, demonstrating how peculiar film types have become. Hard
to imagine the same person having a high regard for
Casablanca and The Bridge Over the River Kwai
while also grooving on The Deer Hunter” and The
Graduate. Clearly two very different world views animate these
very different movies. Casablanca is a favorite of normal
people. While Citizen Kane and the gloomy, post-everything
stuff seems to be esteemed by film majors and various other
humbugs.
It’s nice that AFI types honor Casablanca. But it seems
unlikely that in a Hollywood populated by AFI graduates a movie
like Casablanca could be made today. In Casablanca
2007, the themes of patriotism and sacrifice would doubtless
be replaced by smarmy sermonettes on racism, multiculturalism, and
the futility of war. Sydney Greenstreet’s role would be played by a
cross-dresser.
I’m working on my list of the 100 biggest humbug organizations.
Don’t be surprised to run across AFI somewhere near the top.
