As Dave Barry has taught us to say, "I'm not making this
up."
A
piece in the New York Daily News provides further
proof, as if more were needed, that satire is impossible today,
reality outdoing all but the most perfervid imaginations for
zaniness. Your average satirist just can't keep up.
We learn from the News that in New York City, and
doubtless in less febrile precincts as well, veterinarians will,
for the right fee, surgically implant something called neuticles --
testicular implants for dogs who've had The Big Snip.
The neuticles do nothing physiologically, but look like the real
thing. Other than contributing to the vets' cash flow, the idea is
that this cosmetic procedure makes the dogs, deprived of their
original equipment for demographic reasons, feel better about
themselves. Feel that they are real doggie dudes again.
More likely any psychological benefits from this nutty procedure
goes to male pet owners uncomfortable with what they have done to
their best friends. (With friends like these, nicht?) So long as
dinner and the odd snack come along on schedule, dogs, of either
sex, don't worry much about what they present to the world. Or
about much else, come to that.
I asked my female German shorthaired pointer, Easy, if she was
impressed by a fancy package on the back end of her neighborhood
dog pals. She said she would think about the matter after she took
a nap, but that if the innovation didn't result in her getting
another cookie or two, she would likely remain agnostic on the
subject. (Outside of the areas of food, chasing squirrels, or the
arrival of the mailman, you cannot rely on a bird dog for firm
opinions.)
My guess is this will not be a significant revenue stream for
vets. Dogs will do fine with or without the new product; they're
not ones to try to appear to be men when they aren't.
But other species are more sensitive to gender confusion.
Urologists in Washington might do well with a similar product for
Republican members of Congress feeling distinctly un-masculine
after a hard day of appeasing the left, kissing Nancy Pelosi's ring
(or other parts), and abandoning vital principles. These
prostheses, no matter how life-like, will never fool the likes of
TAS readers. But they may help these guys fool themselves
even more than they already are.
topics:
Nancy Pelosi, Satire
