When we wrote about Gore in our first book, we intended to leave
him behind like a chewed-over pastrami sandwich left on a
delicatessen table and move on to other Schmucks in our on-going tour of Schmuckville.
But he does not permit us to do so.
We believed Al Gore would be happily retired, adrift in his
delusions of inventing the Internet and discovering the Love Canal
(which, our neighbor Benny, the defrocked pharmacist — who lost
his license for selling Viagra to Muslim undertakers to be placed
in coffins in case the departed ran out steam when they met their
allotted forty virgins — explained had something to do with female
anatomy). We thought, like a punch drunk fighter, he would spent
the rest of his days boring people, explaining he wuz robbed by the
referee, and could’ve been a champion.
However, leaving his Chads behind — and from the look of Gore
today — we have an idea of where he stuffed them, he now became
the Guru of Global Warming.
Global Warming is a highly politicized subject, so inculcated
into our collective psyches by the liberal media as a reality, that
notwithstanding the fact hundreds of scientists believe it is a
merely a cyclical phenomenon that has existed for thousands of
years, to even question its existence relegates you to the insanity
of a Holocaust denier.
Gore, with no scientific training, other than that of supporting
Clinton’s penetrating explorations into assorted body parts of
ladies who had the happy or unhappy experiences of being after
hours visitors to the Oval Office, assumed the role of the
validator and spokesperson for Global Warming. He even made a movie
about it, and in fact won an Academy Award for it.
Suddenly, all of this somehow propelled him into being a
potential candidate for President. To prove how serious he was, he
started losing weight. We have heard of women who lose weight to
get into last summer’s bikini, and of old men who also lose weight
to stuff themselves into ancient tuxedos or new young girl friends,
but this is a historic first: joining Weight Watchers to become
President.
Now, we are not scientists, but, to us, the winters seem
colder not hotter. The Carbon Dioxide that is
supposed to be the villain, is actually good not
bad for trees, which everybody says are good for the
planet. In fact, governments all over the world are expending
effort and money to preserve the forests and plant new trees. The
statistics show that using alternate fuels for automobiles actually
costs more (considering government subsidies) and in the
long run requires greater overall energy consumption than does
gasoline.
Apparently, a great deal of the ozone problem is caused by
methane gas, a principal source being the flatulence of cows. Our
unworthy thought it may be more efficient and less costly to buy
some Gas-X for the cows than the more sophisticated and costly
alternative means suggested.
All of Gore’s sputterings might be the proper subject of honest
debate, expect for one thing. Gore, as we have all now learned, is
patently a hypocrite. He lives in a house that in one week,
consumes twenty times the yearly energy use of an average home, and
he flies around in private planes consuming vast amounts of fossil
fuel and spewing enormous quantities of hurtful gasses into the
atmosphere. His justification: He purchases Carbon Credits.
While few in the world can understand exactly what they are, in
principle the credits are traded, for a fee, by middlemen, with the
extreme offenders of pollution being made to pay money — that, in
effect become the “credits.” These are now placed into an exchange,
and then sold to other violators — like Gore. All of this does not
change the amount of carbon produced one bit, but does produce a
profit for the exchange company. Oh yes, did we forget to mention
— you guessed it — Gore owns a carbon exchange company?
The proponents of Global Warming say that in a hundred years,
the ocean temperature will rise five degrees and, because of
melting icebergs, the Atlantic Ocean will extend into the land an
additional nine inches. Just in case, we will definitely sell our
Miami Beach condominiums in ninety years. Of course, if Gore will
just shut up, the hot air lost may be just enough to save the
icebergs.
