“Legend” has to be one of the most cliched words in the English
language, but it’s difficult to get around it when you’re talking
about Jackie Mason. This master of brilliant verbal irreverence is
primarily known as a stand-up comic who has entertained sold-out
venues for over forty years. He is also known as a writer who has
produced numerous pieces for TAS over the years with Raoul
Felder, the New York attorney who is likewise co-author of their
wicked new book, Schmucks!: Our Favorite Fakes, Frauds, Lowlifes,
Liars, the Armed and Dangerous, and Good Guys Gone Bad. Jackie
and I recently chatted about Schmucks!, schmucks, and
politics.
BC: For those unfamiliar with the term, what
specifically makes one a schmuck?
JACKIE MASON: Oh well, there’s no specific
criteria because people make fools out of themselves in all sorts
of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are
necessary. A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It’s a term
of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people. In the
book, we call contemptuous characters schmucks.
BC: Did you find one schmuck to be more
egregious than the rest?
JACKIE MASON: There’s so many out there that I
can’t single one out but if I had to pick it would be the New
York Times rather than a particular person. The Times
distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial.
They never give an even-handed version of the news — that’s the
last thing they’d ever do. The New York Times claims that
they publish all the news that’s fit to print but what they really
do is print all the news that supports their agenda. What they are
is the power base of the left. They do an unbelievable amount of
damage because every day television and radio stations along with
the rest of media take their lead on the way the news should be
presented along with what actually is the news.
BC: I see that you included Mel Gibson and
Barry Bonds as members of the schmuckerazzi, so should we regard
this as being a fairly bipartisan book?
JACKIE MASON: Bipartisan? No, actually it
really isn’t. We do pick on more Democrats than we do Republicans
because there are more Democratic schmucks than there are
Republican ones. Of course, there are plenty of people on the right
who meet the definition of the term such as [former Congressman]
Randy Cunningham. He’s a perfect example of someone we have great
contempt for. The main problem with the Democrats is their utter
negativity. They’re made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also
have higher levels of immorality. We see that now with the war.
BC: What changes would you like to see
politically for America? What does the future have in store for us?
Will Hillary Clinton be the next President of the United
States?
JACKIE MASON: I can’t predict the future and I
don’t have respect for people who try to. Predictions are
preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that
what they’d like to see happen instead of what they really think
will happen. There are so many variations and possibilities that
there’s no way to ever really know for certain. I’ve been watching
politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have
one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes
ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New
Hampshire. I have no idea what’s going to happen with our country
in the future.
You mention Hillary Clinton and she’s a perfect example of this.
Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be
the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I’d have never
believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she’s Mr.
Clinton’s partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand
for dishonesty and corruption. Remember Bill Clinton’s pardon of
the Hasidic Jews in that New York community? She got
99 percent of their vote [in the 2000 election] when they normally
vote 99 percent Republican. Why the change in allegiance? Like
there was no deal for their votes. The Clintons represent the
highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention
it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of
excellent service, there’s never been a hint of corruption in his
behavior but everybody investigates him. Hillary Clinton’s life has
been filled with corruption but nobody cares. The last thing we
need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one
lowlife was enough. We don’t need the lowlife’s partner. When John
Dillinger got put out of business did we go try to find his
partner? I could have imagined the mafia imitating something like
that but never the American people. Yet, again, I was wrong.
Respectable and decent people are putting her up for the
nomination. Even the Republican Party doesn’t have the legs to
challenge her.
BC: Do you think there any other legitimate
options out there for conservatives today besides the Republican
Party?
JACKIE MASON: No, I don’t. There are no other
options. For me, it’s a practical question and the possibility of
an independent winning is a long shot at best. Truthfully, with the
Republicans, I don’t see that much wrong with them. Yes, I’m more
conservative than President Bush and the average Republican
politician but I’m not going to reject them. I don’t like all the
spending bills but that’s only one element in terms of leadership.
Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.
Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is
like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has
in his. All the Democrats do is bicker. They’re not concerned about
the war or the fate of the United States of America. They’re
desperate characters.
BC: Why do so many Jews favor the Democratic
Party? Why do they instinctively gravitate towards the left?
JACKIE MASON: Because they have a guilty
conscience, that’s why. That’s the reason. The moment they’re born
they’re taught to feel guilt. They are told that they should spend
their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it
really bothers them. So, as a way to decrease their guilt, they try
to help the underdog. They think, “Why should I be rich when so
many suffer?” They feel better once they run to the party that
claims to defend the underdog, the Democrats. Older Jews think of
Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the
working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they
do. As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as
anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They
simply can’t accept the idea of ever being Republicans. They still
believe the rhetoric of FDR even though he’s long gone. No matter
what happens in their life they maintain this sickness. Yes, that’s
right, it’s a sickness. That’s exactly what it is. They are living
in the past and they can’t get over it.
BC: You wrote Schmucks! with coauthor Raoul Felder and
you’ve also written countless articles for TAS with him in
the past. What’s the nature of your collaboration? How long have
you been working together?
JACKIE MASON: Oh, I’d say we’ve been working
together for about ten years now. Well, how we write varies, I
guess. Sometimes he writes and I edit or sometimes we write it side
by side if we’re at a table together. It depends on how we run into
each other. We always make the other guy a partner with whatever
we’re thinking about. It works out because we almost never have a
difference of opinion on practically anything.
BC: I had no idea that you were the favorite
comedian of England’s royal family. How did that come about?
JACKIE MASON: I really don’t how it happened. I
just went there and I was a hit. That’s the end of it. I got
invited to do the Royal Command Performance, and you know the Queen
and the whole royal family attend it. On television it’s a
three-hour entertainment special and I’ve found that my humor goes
over big in London. I like to think that I’m a psychologist but
just I can’t figure that one out. I regularly sell out more in
England than I do in America.
BC: What’s the secret of your appeal with
younger audiences? I saw you in Detroit back in 2004 and I recall
the crowd being fairly mixed age-wise.
JACKIE MASON: Why wouldn’t it be? You seem to
think I’m 80 or something. Hey, the key is that I’m always
relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don’t
have any ideas so it’s “F” this and “F” that. They give you a whole
series of swear words and it’s really just a way for them to get
themselves out of trouble when they can’t come up with anything.
They’re irrelevant and ridiculous.
People come to my shows and know that they’re going to hear
about what’s going on in the world — what’s happening at the
moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What
difference does it make if I’m 70 or if I’m 20? The audience knows
they aren’t getting any old stories from me. What difference does a
person’s age make? I started in the business when I was 22.
Besides, it’s not as if I’m not going on eHarmony to look for a
bride or anything.
