From: Harriet
To: Alberto
Al,
I’ve got a GREAT idea — almost as good as putting me on the
Supreme Court! (Sorry about that one, by the way. Who knew the
country would demand “qualifications,” whatever those are??)
Anyway, here it is. How ‘bout we fire all U.S. attorneys and
replace them with the president’s buddies? Wouldn’t that be
awesome?!! Think of it: Every U.S. attorney a loyal ally of the
president! Imagine how much of our agenda we could implement! What
do you think?
Harriet
To: Harriet
From: Alberto
Harriet,
Great idea! I’ll order it done right away. Get back to you
asap.
Alberto
To: Kyle
From: Alberto
Kylio,
The president wants to fire all U.S. attorneys. Frankly, I have
NO IDEA how to do this. But if the president wants it done, I’m
going to find a way. A couple of questions. Do executive orders
cover law firms? Please find the caselaw on this. I think most of
the president’s major corporate donors will resist having their
staff attorneys forcibly removed. We have to come up with something
of value to offer them as compensation. Maybe Karl doing a
motivational speech for their employees? Think on that one. And
what about attorneys in private practice? I mean, how do you fire
someone who’s self-employed? Maybe the Small Business
Administration would know. Please advise when you’re done with that
brief on how to legally send Patrick Leahy to Guantanamo.
Alberrrrrrto
To: Attorney General Gonzales
From: Kyle
Attorney General,
I could be wrong here, and I certainly don’t want to overstep my
authority. But, my guess is that when the president informed you
that he wanted all U.S. attorneys fired, he probably meant all
federal prosecutors, not all attorneys in the United States, though
that certainly was a reasonable assumption on your part.
Kyle
P.S. We can’t legally get Leahy into Guantanamo Bay unless we
catch him engaged in an act of war against the United States.
Thwarting the agenda of the president of the United States is not
currently classified as an act of war. I already looked.
To: Kyle
From: Alberto
Kyle,
Of course the president meant all federal prosecutors. I totally
knew that. I was just testing you.(You passed.) Now, on the firing
of all U.S. attorneys, what would be the downside to that? I mean,
other than really depleting our side for the annual Justice vs.
Defense softball game. Hey, remember that time I got a single off
Secretary Rumsfeld to drive in the winning run?!
Alberrrrrrto
To: Attorney General Gonzales
From: Kyle
Attorney General,
Yes, I do remember the time you drove in that run! Thanks for
reminding me again, I hadn’t thought of that since our conversation
about it last Friday. Good times, good times. So, I was thinking of
other possible downsides to firing all U.S. attorneys, and ones
that I see are: 1) Losing the entire prosecutory capability of the
United States government at once. 2) Losing the Republicans we’ve
worked so hard to put in those positions over the past six years.
3) Massive political opposition from the Democrats. 4) Fired
attorneys might be reluctant to contribute to your campaign for
governor of Texas in 2010.
Kyle
To: Harriet
From: Alberto
Harriet,
Working on the plan to fire all U.S. attorneys. A couple
questions. If we fire all the attorneys, what if we have to
prosecute someone? Also, can we wait until I’ve collected my first
round of donations for my gubernatorial race?
Alberto
To: Alberto
From: Karl
Hey Al,
Harriet forwarded me your last e-mail. Forget your gubernatorial
race. It’s all in my capable hands. You win 53-47. Don’t ask me
how. That’s for me to know. As for the attorneys, I’ve decided, I
mean, the president has decided to fire only seven of them. Too
late in the game to fire them all. So pick the seven least reliable
ones, and let me know.
K-man
To: Kyle
From: Alberto
Kyle,
Whew! White House says we’re to fire only seven U.S. attorneys,
not all of them. I asked if we could fire Janet Reno. He said no.
:(Anyway, which seven do you think we should can? I was thinking,
“Last hired, first fired.”
Alberrrrrrto
To: Attorney General Gonzales
From: Kyle
Attorney General,
“Last hired, first fired” would mean firing the last Republicans
we were able to confirm in the Senate before it turned Democrat. I
would suggest that is counterproductive. We probably want to weed
out the least loyal ones and fire them. I’ll ask Mike for nominees
and get back to you by morning.
Kyle
To: Karl
From: Alberto
Karl,
I’ll have your list of seven attorneys to fire in the morning.
On another note, what are you getting the president for Christmas?
I was thinking about an audiotape of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed singing
the Star Spangled Banner. Don’t laugh. I know a guy who can make it
happen. You getting him that dartboard with Nancy Pelosi’s face
laserprinted on it, like we talked about?
Alberto
Andrew Cline is editorial page editor of the New
Hampshire Union Leader and editor of the satire blog gunsbutter.com.
