The American Spectator

Political Hay

The Gonzales E-Mails

By Andrew Cline on 3.14.07 @ 12:08AM

From: Harriet
To: Alberto

Al,

I've got a GREAT idea -- almost as good as putting me on the Supreme Court! (Sorry about that one, by the way. Who knew the country would demand "qualifications," whatever those are??) Anyway, here it is. How 'bout we fire all U.S. attorneys and replace them with the president's buddies? Wouldn't that be awesome?!! Think of it: Every U.S. attorney a loyal ally of the president! Imagine how much of our agenda we could implement! What do you think?

Harriet

To: Harriet
From: Alberto

Harriet,

Great idea! I'll order it done right away. Get back to you asap.

Alberto

To: Kyle
From: Alberto

Kylio,

The president wants to fire all U.S. attorneys. Frankly, I have NO IDEA how to do this. But if the president wants it done, I'm going to find a way. A couple of questions. Do executive orders cover law firms? Please find the caselaw on this. I think most of the president's major corporate donors will resist having their staff attorneys forcibly removed. We have to come up with something of value to offer them as compensation. Maybe Karl doing a motivational speech for their employees? Think on that one. And what about attorneys in private practice? I mean, how do you fire someone who's self-employed? Maybe the Small Business Administration would know. Please advise when you're done with that brief on how to legally send Patrick Leahy to Guantanamo.

Alberrrrrrto

To: Attorney General Gonzales
From: Kyle

Attorney General,

I could be wrong here, and I certainly don't want to overstep my authority. But, my guess is that when the president informed you that he wanted all U.S. attorneys fired, he probably meant all federal prosecutors, not all attorneys in the United States, though that certainly was a reasonable assumption on your part.

Letter to the Editor

topics:
Nancy Pelosi, Business, Satire, Law, Supreme Court, NATO