WASHINGTON—In response to the ice storm which recently swept
through the nation’s capital, the White House has created a special
task force to deal with the problem of unsafe sledding. According
to Press Secretary Tony Snow, “the president believes that children
shouldn’t be left behind on the snow slope or in the school
room.”
Sources at the White House report that political adviser Karl
Rove came up with the idea as a means of distinguishing President
George W. Bush from Democrats on Capitol Hill, who have made
expanded business regulation a top priority. “The public will
understand that only the president cares enough to make sledding
safe. Only he stands up for our nation’s children,” said one top
Bush aide.
The Commission to Save Children through Safe Sledding is headed
by Vice President Richard Cheney, thought to be intent on softening
his harsh public image. His office issued a statement pointing out
that thousands of people, many of them children under the age of
16, require emergency room care annually after sledding accidents.
“There was an epidemic of fractures and concussions after the
February storm,” the vice president observed. Worse, “literally
hundreds of thousands of children might be hurt” in coming years if
the government doesn’t act, he said.
House Republican Leader John Boehner lauded the administration
for being willing to “protect the helpless, poor, and
disadvantaged.” An aide to Republican Whip Roy Blunt portrayed the
new initiative as “a continuation of policies pursued by the GOP
majority,” such as No Child Left Behind and the Medicare drug
benefit. “It should be obvious that we’ve only paid lip service to
our limited government rhetoric for years,” he added.
Labor Secretary Elaine Chao, perhaps the most conservative
member of the Cabinet, was reportedly named Commission vice
chairman over her protests. “You can bet she didn’t volunteer for
it,” explained a political appointee who declined to be named: “She
doesn’t even plan to attend any meetings, unless it becomes
absolutely necessary.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi derided the new presidential
initiative as being too little, too late. “Dozens of kids were
injured in the latest storm because the administration did nothing
over the last six years,” she charged. Henry Waxman, Chairman of
the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, announced
the he would hold hearings exploring ties between the sled industry
and the administration. He told reporters: “It’s the insane pursuit
of profit that causes companies to turn out unsafe sleds. If only
business fulfilled its social responsibility, there wouldn’t be a
problem. But the Bush administration refuses to act; under the
control of the vice president, the federal government has become
merely a tool of corporate interests.”
When asked about the Democratic attacks, President Bush said
that “we shouldn’t blame anyone. We should just work together and
get the job done.” At his daily press briefing Tony Snow portrayed
the sledding panel as a natural outgrowth of the president’s vision
of compassionate conservatism.
THE COMMISSION WILL BE FREE to recommend any policies that it
desires. Still, self-regulation probably will not be enough,
explained Health and Human Services Secretary Michael Levitt. He
said the president envisioned a public-private partnership, with
Uncle Sam as senior partner. “There’s so much that government can
do if we don’t feel constrained by limits,” he explained.
New York Times columnist David Brooks endorsed the
initiative as one that could involve “the assistance of literally
thousands of the best and brightest across the nation.” Brooks,
long an advocate of “national greatness conservatism,” argued that
the safe sledding campaign could help move America away from its
tradition of heedless hedonistic individualism. Mike Gerson, newly
emancipated from the White House and writing a column for
Newsweek, scoffed at “troglodyte conservatives who put an
abstract love of liberty ahead of the protection of children.”
Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) tentatively endorsed the task force,
but said that the initiative should be much broader. “I am
introducing legislation to create The Commission for a Safe
Childhood,” she announced. In a major speech on the Senate floor,
laying forth what aides say will be a signature campaign issue, she
declared that her plan “offers us an opportunity to completely
change the way children play, the way human beings respond to
winter, and the way we all relate to one another in this cosmos. It
will help all of human existence to have meaning.”
Former Clinton pollster Dick Morris warned that Sen. Clinton
might be able to ride her child protection proposal to the White
House. “The Republicans have to take this very seriously,” he told
NewsMax.com. He proposed replacing Vice President Cheney with
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as Commission chairman.
“Cheney’s irrelevant, a lame duck,” said Morris. “Only Condi can
defeat Hillary, and she needs a more important, higher profile post
than Secretary of State,” he explained.
The Commission’s expected executive director, who refused to
speak on the record until his appointment was confirmed, said that
he leaned towards an outright ban on sledding, though he feared
unpleasant political repercussions since children might not
“understand that it is for their own good.” His nightmare scenario
was a children’s protest march on the White House.
Former Vice President Al Gore sarcastically complimented the
Bush administration for “finally getting around to the sledding
crisis,” but worried that it wouldn’t seize the opportunity for
broader action. He suggested that the Environmental Protection
Agency require the filing of an environmental impact statement
before a hill can be used for sledding. Doing so would “be good for
children and good for the environment,” he explained. The fact that
snow and ice have been falling in prodigious quantities throughout
much of the Midwest and Northeast further proves the existence of
global warming, he insisted: “If the warming gets any worse, we’re
likely to find ourselves in a new ice age.”
Consumer activist Ralph Nader said there wouldn’t be any problem
if only the federal government controlled all hill use. At the very
least, he suggested, Congress should set speed limits on any hill
suitable for sledding. Surprisingly, a vice presidential aide
voiced tentative agreement. “We’ve been trying to think up
something relaxing for troops to do after they get back from Iraq.
Snow-sledding enforcement duty could be part of their normal
rotation,” he allowed.
But Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) prefers forcing business to
create a safe sled. “With the EPA, OSHA, and Consumer Product
Safety Commission working together, anything is possible,” he
explained. Sen. Kennedy acknowledged that his proposal would likely
face opposition from “extremist Republicans who want to tear down
the regulations that have made America great.”
LAST WEEK CONGRESS RUSHED through an appropriation for the
Commission, including enough money for a round-the-world
fact-finding tour to study how other nations handle the problem of
unsafe sledding. The first stop will be Tahiti, announced Rep. John
Murtha (D-Penn.) which, he pointed out, “has no, that’s none at
all, injuries from sledding. We’ve got to figure out how they do
it.”
The importance of the new initiative to the administration was
evidenced by the First Lady’s decision to serve as an ex officio
member. “How can children read books if they’ve suffered a
concussion out on the slopes,” asked Laura Bush?
The response among conservatives was muted. Presidential
candidate John McCain said that he “shared the President’s
commitment to safe sledding” and hoped “the Congress and
administration could work together.” He warned “right-wing
political activists” that criticism of the idea would fall under
the campaign restrictions which he had pushed through Congress.
Blogger Hugh Hewitt signed on without reservation: “The Bush
administration is the gold standard for conservatives,” he
explained. Hoover’s Victor Davis Hanson wrote that caring for
children is a principle that runs back to Pericles.
Others, however, were less certain. National Review
editorialized that “we understand why the president cares about
children, but the Commission easily could go too far.” The idea was
criticized at a weekly conservative meeting last Wednesday.
“Whenever I think it can’t get any worse,” one declared as he left
the off-the-record session, “it gets worse.”
Press Secretary Tony Snow rejected such criticism. He explained:
“Conservatism is dead. Long live conservatism. We now define what
conservatism is.”
The Commission’s first meeting is scheduled for April 1.
