People who don’t make New Year’s resolutions worry me. Are they
perfect? Are they simply waiting for the great up escalator to
descend from the sky? Are they biding their time until Barack
Hussein Obama delivers us from this red-blue valley of tears and
into that promised and purple land of prosperity and plenty? Or are
they simply lazy?
Notice I said make, not keep, resolutions. The former is easier
than the latter. Motivational experts have some suggestions to make
and keep resolutions.
The goal should be achievable. This would rule out vowing to
complete the Boston marathon for someone whose only well-traveled
path is through the plush carpet to the fridge and back again to
the recliner, and whose only success in cutting calories comes when
he eventually tires of the trip and rests his weary noggin on his
multiple chins.
The goal should be significant. This doesn’t mean it has to be
earth-shaking. It wouldn’t be wise to resolve, “I shall not only
visualize whirled peas, but also I shall achieve it.” The fact that
the goal-setter has no fleet of strategic bombers at his command
puts his desire to achieve world peace out of reach. Naturally,
this ties into achievability.
As for significant, this means the resolution should be
something beyond, say, “I shall soap my left arm before my right
arm in the shower.” While the goal should be something reachable,
it shouldn’t be too easy. The Spanish philosopher Ortega y Gasset
divided humanity into two groups: “those who make great demands on
themselves, piling up difficulties and duties; and those who demand
nothing special of themselves, but for whom to live is to be every
moment what they already are, without imposing on themselves any
effort towards perfection; mere buoys that float on the waves.”
In other words, it might be too easy for a buoy whose favorite
fruit is hops to resolve that his motto for the Year of Our Lord
2007 will be “Beer me PDQ!” He’s already floating in that
direction. Or for the office grouch to consider that perhaps he’s
been too soft on his co-workers and their faults in the past year
and to remedy this.
Lastly, a goal should be measurable. Vague resolutions won’t cut
it. “I’m going to be a better person.” Now, of course, this is
nifty idea, but it needs to be quantified and scored. Think of it
as a contest. Better: “When driving and I happen upon a less than
skilled motorist, I’ll refrain from questioning the honor of his
mother or the legitimacy of his birth.” The success and failure can
be tracked on a weekly or even daily basis.
What about “I want to stop eating so much”? For the horizontally
challenged, this would be a healthy resolution, but again still too
vague. Better: “I’ll stop treating Cheez Whiz as a beverage.” The
intake of processed cheese in a semi-liquid state can be
monitored.
Here, then, gentle reader, are my two achievable, significant,
and measurable resolutions. I hereby resolve to: 1) remain the
good-natured, helpful, handsome, and modest guy that I am; and 2)
never show this column to my wife.
Happy New Year!
