It’s been a while, but Enemy Central has reopened for business,
just in time for New Year’s Eve. Our checkpoints are in place,
featuring the latest in breathalyzer technology and easy-to-attach
handcuffs, muzzles, and ankle chains. We’ll be especially on the
lookout for signs of political intoxication on the part of repeat
offenders who drive the rest of us to drink. We hoped old
acquaintance would be forgot; instead they’re still running the
national asylum. Attempting citizens’ arrests may be Sisyphean
work, but somebody’s got to do it.
Nonetheless, it’s no fun rounding up the usual suspects. Anyone
notice how creaky they’ve all become? A Medicare advisory is urging
this cohort to welcome in the New Year at noon, Sunday. According
to our actuaries (on leave from FEMA), Ms. Nancy Pelosi is 84,
Harry Reid a sprightly 79, Jack Murtha 102, Henry Waxman 77,
Charlie Rangel not a day over 76. Teddy Kennedy is as old as all of
them combined, so ancient in fact that we tend to believe him when
he says he can’t recall ever being on Chappaquiddick. The only
thing tottering Joe Biden has going for him is an intelligence
forever stuck in adolescence. Just the other day he announced his
intention to run for class president. Now’s the time for Hillary to
adopt the kid, the extra child she and Bill always wanted. Her
problem is she looks older than she is, not that we’re going to go
there. What’s important — indeed endearing — is that as all these
people have grown old, they’ve rediscovered the attractions of
religious observance. At Christmas they were all caroling, “Oh
Rahm, Oh Rahm Emanuel…” They love their little drummer boy.
Republicans always have better sense — at least once they’re
put out to pasture. Gerald Ford in retirement played more golf than
any of his predecessors, including Dwight Eisenhower, who taught
fellow Pennsylvanian Arnold Palmer a thing or two and made the term
“Republican” and “golfer” synonymous. Off the course Mr. Ford’s
judgment was shakier. There was his occasional partnership with the
Democrat Methuselah, James Earl Carter. In late December 1998, the
two co-authored an op-ed for the New York Times, urging
love and compassion for William Jefferson Clinton. Visibly moved,
the Senate spared Mr. Clinton. Not a year later, Gerry was at it
again, arguing for “constitutional” affirmative action at his alma
mater, the University of Michigan, in cases two Supreme Court
rulings would eventually decide. Perhaps that’s why Mr. Carter
never threw an apartheid charge at Mr. Ford, a long-time resident
of lily-white Rancho Mirage, on California’s occupied West
Bank.
Interesting too was that Messrs. Ford and Carter were both in
the absolution business. In their joint op-ed the former bragged
about the Nixon pardon, the latter about granting amnesty to
Vietnam-era draft dodgers. Unmentioned was the cheeky pardon Mr.
Ford granted to Ms. Tokyo Rose on leaving office in 1977. Never one
to be one-upped, Mr. Carter, one suspects, is busily trying to find
a way to pardon Mr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for whatever role he played
in the Iran Hostage Crisis that malaised the Carter presidency.
Stirrings of a youth movement among Democrats were felt
yesterday when Johnnie Edwards threw the cap he wears backwards
into the 2008 presidential sweepstakes. Mr. Edwards, a descendant
of Bertolt Breck, has famous hair and a weak political base. In
2004, he didn’t even dare run for re-election to the Senate in his
own state yet had the gall to vie for the presidency instead. On
that note, let’s get George Allen back into presidential
contention. At least he was man enough to try for a second Senate
term — something even Sen. Barack Obama isn’t willing to do. Sen.
B.O. may be the flavor of the season, but then so is eggnog. By
January, who can stand it?
All things considered, 2006 wasn’t a bad year. Sure, the GOP
lost a few seats, but it held on to the one that mattered, Joe
Lieberman’s. The New York Yankees lost, the New York Giants lost,
so did the Boston Red Sox. The one and only Bob Knight set records.
Jim Webb got elected, allowing John Kerry to teach charm instead of
having to learn it anew from his wife, whose name is being
withheld. Sir Paul McCartney was sued for divorce, but fortunately
didn’t have to divide all his property, else from now on we aging
folks would be singing “When I’m 32.”
Best of all, Enemy Central recruited a fresh face to take EOY
honors, a brave new worlder who’s been dutifully swallowing liberal
vapors for decades and who just in time for one of the holiest
periods on the Christian calendar decided to deprive the
institution he heads of the cross that has hung at its most sacred
shrine for 275 years. President Gene Nichols of the College of
William & Mary is a national disgrace, the Enemy of the Year
2006, and — if Jimmy Carter puts in a good word for him — the
next cultural minister of the Taliban.
