WASHINGTON — A dozen or so representatives from the
International Committee of the Red Cross are headed for our
military detention center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and frankly I am
concerned for their comfort and possibly even their health. They
plan to meet with detainees there, specifically the 14 terrorists
who have been held in recent years at secret CIA facilities abroad.
After those meetings will the members of the Red Cross delegation
have access to showers, baths, and possibly a sauna? I hope so.
James Taranto, the eminent editor of the Wall Street
Journal’s OpinionJournal.com, has recently returned, and he
reports that meetings with the detainees can be unpleasant. They
compose a rowdy lot. When the spirit moves them, they have been
known to heave bodily fluids at those who irritate them, even
bodily excreta. Also, according to Taranto, they devise weapons
from otherwise harmless household devices such as springs pulled
out of spring-operated faucets. These they might turn into needles
for jabbing a jailer’s eyes or stilettos for sticking him in an
artery. Incidentally, by the word “spirit” I intended no religious
import. In English it is just a catchphrase. If I have offended
anyone I apologize. If that is not enough, send me a virgin.
Taranto reports that the detainees “enjoy a panoply of
procedural protections,” even after they hold a riot, attack
guards, or commit suicide, which he astutely points out is only
doing in Guantanamo what they might otherwise do on the battlefield
or on a crowded street. They regularly appear before Combatant
Status Review Boards for an evaluation as to whether they were
enemy combatants or just some unfortunate blokes who happened to be
on a battlefield at the wrong time or carrying a grenade on a
hunting trip when some paranoid official stopped them on the
street. They also get to appear before Administrative Review
Boards, which are somewhat like parole boards here at home. Three
hundred and fifteen of Guantanamo’s detainees have been released
from American custody through these procedures, but unfortunately a
dozen or more have ended up back on the battlefield. One hopes they
do not run afoul of the authorities once again.
What kinds of questions will the members of the Red Cross
delegation ask the detainees? After reading Taranto’s report I
would suggest this one: “What do you get when you mix feces with
urine and soapy water?” The answer is a slick floor that will
assist you in ambushing unsuspecting American jailers rushing into
a cellblock to save a detainee from suicide. The detainees are
regularly receiving medical and dental attention and psychiatric
evaluations. One might ask them if they deem such services a
profanation of their religious beliefs. Certainly the presence of
Western psychiatrists could be construed as humiliating to these
proud savages, if not an outright insult to their mullahs.
Reportedly, one of the 14 terrorists from those secret CIA
hoosegows with whom the Red Cross will confer is Khalid Sheik
Mohammed, reputedly the mastermind of the 9/11 atrocities. He
apparently has had a rough time. He allegedly underwent what is
called “aggressive interrogation.” That includes such exactions as
sleep deprivation exposure to temperature extremes, and exposure to
loud rock and roll. It could have been worse. He could have been
exposed to loud performances of Mozart’s 41st Symphony or
Beethoven’s Missa Solemnis. He might even like rock and roll.
One form of aggressive interrogation that he apparently did not
like was “water boarding.” The delegation from the Red Cross will
want to ask him if was “water boarding” that made him crack and
divulge the names of other killers. Water boarding is not to be
confused with skateboarding, which is infinitely more dangerous,
causing sprained ankles and broken bones. But water boarding is
apparently now being ruled out even by our government as a form of
interrogation.
Perhaps our government will replace water boarding with
skateboarding so long as it does not cause discomfort to captured
terrorists. After all American teenagers engage in it freely; and
the Sheik, or whatever he is called, might actually enjoy
skateboarding. Surely members of this Red Cross delegation will
want to leave Guantanamo a nicer place than when they arrived.
Improving the camp’s recreational facilities would be a start.
Being able to point to a camp where detainees skateboard gaily
through loops and over barrels, their baseball hats turned
backwards, wind whistling past them, would be an achievement of
which the Red Cross could be proud.
If all of the above sounds absurd, well, it is. So is the
question how we have been handling these monstrous enemy
combatants. They have no sense of honor or restraint and would use
any available instrument to kill us, the greater the toll the
better. If aggressive interrogation has prevented further 9/11s, no
practice thus far revealed is beyond the pale. The detainees at
Guantanamo represent the steady approach of barbarism. Stop it
now.
