The Bank of England released the names of 19 people who have
been taken into custody for plotting to blow up airplanes while in
flight from England to the United States. You can always count on a
bank to be the first to flush out deadbeats (“don’t loan these
people money!”). Sallie Mae will probably release more names later
today.
The names of the terror suspects are:
Tim Johnson
Lori Waters
Marty McWilliams
Dwayne Franklin
Gladys Smith
Frank Thompson
What? Is something the matter?
Oh, that’s the wrong list. That’s the sign-up sheet at the Bingo
hall.
The funny thing is that the above-mentioned names will be
scrutinized with equal fervor at airports in the name of
“fairness.”
The actual list of 19 who were taken into custody read like
invitations to a laser-tag party at a Riyadh Chuck-E-Cheese: all
Muslim, all under 35, all male. Hmm, call me crazy, but I’m
starting to notice a pattern here.
Yes, this particular plot seems to have been foiled, but in the
meantime, while at the airports, everybody, and I mean everybody,
is a suspect. An old lady from Pasadena and a Middle Eastern male
will both be checked with equal suspicion, or lack thereof. Now
that’s fair. It’s also stupid. Airport security resources are
stretched thinner than chain restaurant cocktails because
everybody’s a suspect, so nobody’s offended. As a result, we’re all
still in danger. To that end, our current system is indeed
fair.
There’s a scene in the movie Airplane where two heavily
armed men in berets and one sweet old lady are walking through a
metal detector. The buzzer goes off, and security grabs the elderly
woman and throws her up against the wall as the two presumed
terrorists proceed unimpeded. I wonder how many times something
figuratively, if not literally, similar has actually happened.
What, if anything, can be done? Should we steal a partial page
from the playbook of a Democrat icon and ban anybody with a Middle
Eastern sounding name from being allowed on an American
airline?
No, the real answer lies somewhere between the above extreme and
common sense, but unfortunately common sense is, and will remain,
shut out. So far, the only foreign thing banned from U.S. airports
is a concept.
I was anti-profiled not long ago. While at Baltimore/Washington
International I was singled out for “more extensive” checking.
Apparently they were on the lookout that day for people who were
most likely to be late for a meeting.
Three other guys and I were taken aside. There I sat with the
other searchees, one who looked like Ward Cleaver without the
rebellious edge, another who appeared to have fallen off the cover
of the Saturday Evening Post, a finely dressed baby-faced
gentleman who was missing only one fashion accessory — a “first
place, Rick Moranis look-alike competition” ribbon, and me.
There we were, in the security area for some extra searching —
a Barbershop Quartet of nerds, button-downs, and people who can’t
go to the bathroom without a permission slip from their
neighborhood association. A terrorist threat disguised as a
middle-aged Star Trek convention if you ever saw one.
I felt like the old lady in Airplane. I don’t mind
doing my part, as I understand that under certain sleep-deprived
post-party conditions I can look “shifty,” but that was a comical
morning to say the least. In American airports we’re relying on a
law of averages to catch terrorists instead of averaging who’s
breaking the law.
Talk to many people who are in-the-know in the airline security
business and they’ll admit that the current system is kind of a
joke. Don’t forget that airport security is federalized, so, in
other words, the government is in charge of your in-flight safety.
The long-and-short of the current system is this: Pretend you’re in
an airport and all the screeners are members of Congress and FEMA.
Feel safer?
This particular plot may have been thwarted, but a major threat
still exists that we’re still not serious about. As soon as we read
about a major terror plot being foiled by airport authorities
tearing apart the carry-on bag of a little old lady from Pasadena,
then we can get on board with the current system.
