Finally, an old-fashioned cat fight. Signaling to her handlers
that she has not been declawed, Senator Hillary last week laced
into slinky Siamese purebred Dr. Ann Coulter for being “vicious”
and “mean” toward some of the senator’s Jersey girl pals. Whereupon
cool cat Coulter hissed back: “Before criticizing others for being
‘mean’ to women, perhaps Hillary should talk to her husband who was
accused of rape by Juanita Broaddrick and was groping Kathleen
Willey at the very moment Willey’s husband was committing
suicide.”
That reply proved too strong for one of the referees in this
fight, Miss New York Times. This is how she reported the tigress
Coulter’s response: “‘Before criticizing others for being “mean to
women,” perhaps Hillary should talk to her husband,’ her e-mail
message said in part.” Hate to tell you how to live your life, Ms.
Times, but when you leave out the best “part,” it’s called
censorship.
At a decidedly unstag affair the next night, Senator Hillary
showed off her scratches. The event was an all-women-in-pants-suits
gala dinner for 350 networking gals at which the “socialist single
mother” President of Chile, Ms. Michelle Bachelet, was honored
guest. It was Senator Hillary, however, who stole the show, though
no one expects her to be indicted. Needless to say, Ann Coulter was
not invited to the event, despite her decidedly female bona fides,
not to mention the networking she’d freshly done on NBC.
“Hey where’s Katie? Did she leave or something?” she asked the
recently liberated host of the Today show, Mr. Matt Lauer.
It’s a meaner line than any Coulter has delivered apropos the
Bush-bashing widows from New Jersey. How many years did Lauer
suffer abuse at the hands of killer Katie? Another unindictable
crime, no doubt. These days, men like Lauer are lucky to get work
as waiters at such events as the no-men-need-apply dinner for
Chile’s single mom chief exec.
Still, it was a good question. Where is Katie Couric? When last
seen on screen she was reconfirming her emotional qualifications to
replace Dan Rather. Crying like a girl, she told viewers on May 31,
her last day at NBC, “I’m feeling happy and sad and completely out
of control.” Dan couldn’t have put it more pointedly. We’ll know
more about her command of his frequency after Labor Day, when she
unveils her morning smile on CBS’s Evening News.
Meanwhile, who in television is currently qualified to discuss
such pressing issues as American obesity and the Bush
administration’s fixation on 500 pound bombs? Or to congratulate
Rep. John Murtha’s for his fair-weathered decision to contend for
the House Democrats’ number two slot, but only if his party wins a
majority? Or to commiserate with commencement keynoter Prof. Judith
Resnik, who told this year’s Bryn Mawr graduates, “I do not think
that either the world or my own country has been torture-free since
the Renaissance. But I was hopeful enough, patriotic enough, to
believe that my government would never justify harming a person
just short of when his or her organs were failing”? (Here’s one of
those times when you wish the “his or her” formulation hadn’t come
into common usage.)
Now that we know that Mr. Al-Zarqawi’s organs were failing
before he died, who is left at NBC Today competent enough
to interview representatives from The Hague on this denial of an al
Qaeda dignitary’s basic human rights? And, most critically, who
will greet Angelina and Brad on their triumphant return from
Namibia? Not since Diana and Dodi’s noisome summer of 1997 has
there been such a sad spectacle. Might not Ann Coulter write her
next book on them? Probably not, since it would never sell.
Regardless, we have an upset winner in this week’s EOW sweepstakes:
Brangelina. Though it’s too late to get ourselves booked with
Katie, we’ll donate their fine to a charity of their choice. Just
remind us to do so in Katie’s honor.
