It’s no secret that we’re living in a world that is in an
ever-increasing hurry to do absolutely nothing. We get road rage
(newly diagnosed by epidemiologists who themselves have — you
guessed it: too much free time — as “intermittent explosive
disorder”) because we’re in a rush to get home to play a video game
featuring people who kill each other in road rage incidents.
I’m as guilty of being rushed for no good reason as anybody. The
other day I caught myself complaining because the microwave was
taking too long to warm up something. There was 35 seconds of my
life that I’ll never get back because nobody can invent a microwave
that heats up a hot dog in less than five nanoseconds. As a result,
I missed the opening credits of a Walker, Texas Ranger
rerun on the USA Network. Oh the horror.
Our incessant hurries, combined with the rushed media culture
and a need to save valuable space in newspapers, magazines and
websites, are why it’s becoming quite the pop-culture fad to
combine names.
It all started innocently enough when Ben Affleck and Jennifer
Lopez hooked up. Since “Ben and Jennifer” obviously takes up way
too much valuable headline space in the entertainment rags and
promotional time on Inside Edition, “Bennifer” was
born.
It was a work of genius for a society scurrying to save time.
For broadcasters, going from “Ben and Jennifer” to “Bennifer”
allowed them to reduce a bulky five syllables to a much more
manageable three, thus kick-saving a valuable two syllables that
could be applied to commercial time or to simply gratuitously say
“Tom Cruise.” In print it’s even better — “Bennifer” requires less
than half the print space of “Ben and Jennifer.”
Entertainment tabloid television and print media was on to
something, and it wasn’t about to stop.
After “Bennifer” split back into the two original separate
biological entities, “Ben” and “Jennifer,” Affleck, not wanting to
stress the already overworked creative well pump of tabloid
journalists, began seeing Jennifer Garner, thus allowing the
entertainment media to keep the “Bennifer” moniker. To avoid
confusion, however, it was decided that this should be altered
slightly to “Bennifer II” just to remind us that yes, even
Hollywood relationships have sequels that star not all the original
actors.
The fusion of names is in full avalanche now that Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jolie are together. “Brangelina” is now the space-saving
mantra for any celebrity journalist.
Frankly, I’m shocked that the penchant for combining names of
those closely associated with one another hasn’t yet caught on
outside the culture of Hollywood. It saves space, saves time, and
is as cute as anything. The extra space and time can then be used
for even more space- and time-saving cutsie nicknames for multiple
people.
There have already been clumsy attempts to shorten the all-too
lengthy “Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes” to “Tatie” or “Kom,” though
“Kooky” seems to flow just fine while still allowing the reporter
to maintain journalistic integrity.
I won’t be surprised if this turns into a full-blown fad and
spreads outside the gates of Hollywood like bird flu for ADD
sufferers. Since there’s such a fine line between the Hollywood
media and the mainstream news organizations (one reports on the
activities of the powerful and opinionated, and the other focuses
more on politicians), what could be next?
First off, George and Laura Bush should be shortened to “Leorge”
or “Gaura.” This would allow the New York Times to devote
more space to tipping off terrorists as to how the U.S. government
is not so secretly pursuing them.
Patrick and Ted Kennedy could be combined and shortened to
simply “Whooaaa!”
Democrat congressional leaders Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi would
become “Repel.”
On the upcoming campaign trail, former president Clinton and his
wife could combine their names to save space in the newspapers —
room that could be put to better use policy wonking. This may very
well happen at the New York Senator’s behest, when “Bill and
Hillary” will be fused and become simply “Hillary.”
Come on, mainstream media; the time has come to begin fusing all
names. The Hollywood tabloid media has invented winning and
profitable approach. What the heck, combine the ads, too. After
all, we’re in a hurry!
We’ll be right back after this word from “AT&Target.”
