The American Spectator

p> THE SMELLS OF COLLIN STREET br> Re: Lawrence Henry’s Fruitcake : /p>

Perhaps if I had encountered Lawrence Henry’s Mom’s fruitcakes I would now have a less melancholy view of the only food item I know of with an atomic weight heavier than iron (tastes about the same as iron too). As I haven’t sampled Mrs. Henry’s creations, and in fact have never encountered an edible fruit cake, I share our society’s jaundiced take on this holiday disaster.

I’ve never been able to swallow a piece of fruitcake — though I’ll admit I’ve not tried in many years. I endorse all the possible uses of fruitcake listed in Henry’s column, and herewith add my own — speed bump (we would actually save money using fruit cakes for speed bumps because we wouldn’t have to repair them every few decades).

Some years back in a holiday poll — I forget which company took it, but it was a real poll (as Dave Barry would say, I’m not making this up) — fruit cake finished behind “no gift at all” in Americans’ list of gift preferences. Who says Americans don’t have perspective on things?

p>Calvin Trillin once said that he’s convinced there is and has always been only one fruitcake in the United States. Not many fruitcakes as is popularly but mistakenly believed. He explained that people give this one fruitcake away so quickly that its speed of movement creates the impression that there are many fruitcakes. It’s a fanciful theory I admit, but I don’t believe we should dismiss it out of hand. br> — Larry Thornberry br> Tampa, Florida br> P.S.: If Mrs. Henry truly produced tasty fruit cakes, she deserves the Nobel Prize in cooking and makes Julia Child look like your average hash house fry cook by comparison. She’s a national treasure and should at least have her own commemorative stamp. We should have turned liver over to her long ago, as it’s clear this great American never backed down from a challenge. /p>