The American Spectator

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5.1.06 @ 12:01AM

THE SMELLS OF COLLIN STREET
Re: Lawrence Henry's Fruitcake:

Perhaps if I had encountered Lawrence Henry's Mom's fruitcakes I would now have a less melancholy view of the only food item I know of with an atomic weight heavier than iron (tastes about the same as iron too). As I haven't sampled Mrs. Henry's creations, and in fact have never encountered an edible fruit cake, I share our society's jaundiced take on this holiday disaster.

I've never been able to swallow a piece of fruitcake -- though I'll admit I've not tried in many years. I endorse all the possible uses of fruitcake listed in Henry's column, and herewith add my own -- speed bump (we would actually save money using fruit cakes for speed bumps because we wouldn't have to repair them every few decades).

Some years back in a holiday poll -- I forget which company took it, but it was a real poll (as Dave Barry would say, I'm not making this up) -- fruit cake finished behind "no gift at all" in Americans' list of gift preferences. Who says Americans don't have perspective on things?

Calvin Trillin once said that he's convinced there is and has always been only one fruitcake in the United States. Not many fruitcakes as is popularly but mistakenly believed. He explained that people give this one fruitcake away so quickly that its speed of movement creates the impression that there are many fruitcakes. It's a fanciful theory I admit, but I don't believe we should dismiss it out of hand.
-- Larry Thornberry
Tampa, Florida
P.S.: If Mrs. Henry truly produced tasty fruit cakes, she deserves the Nobel Prize in cooking and makes Julia Child look like your average hash house fry cook by comparison. She's a national treasure and should at least have her own commemorative stamp. We should have turned liver over to her long ago, as it's clear this great American never backed down from a challenge.

At last, someone else in this lonely world who will confess the REAL "love that dare not speak its name" -- fruitcake! My personal variation is the regal, majestic Plum Pudding, replete with suet, sherry, brandy and rum.

I have found that, properly embalmed in a bath of spirits for a full month, a hot pudding drenched in blazing brandy and slathered with hard sauce will win over all but the steeliest hearts. It will also, alas, clog up those same hearts with cholesterol. Still, it is a small price to pay.
-- Andrew Batten
Melbourne, Florida

My father always sent a fruitcake to everyone on his Christmas list, including himself. They were made by the Collin Street Bakery of Corsicana, Texas. When I served in the U.S. Navy my mates and I always had a better Christmas dinner because of his gift.

The Collin Street Bakery fruitcake is delivered in a metal container that is very useful for storing spare nuts and bolts, odd size widgets, soda crackers and whatever. It is always heartwarming to walk into my tool shed, rummage through the can from 1961 (or whenever), and be reminded of my father.

One of my daughters makes delicious fruitcakes every Christmas. I freeze them, seems to work in retaining the moisture and taste.

Mr. Henry, go ahead and make your fruitcake. Send it to me.
-- Nelson Ward
Ribera, New Mexico

I make Lizzie's, which is a fruit cake cookie, and they go over bigger than the whole cake. Don't know why, since they taste the same.
-- Elaine Kyle

I remember fruitcakes. My Grandmother, Mother and Aunts all made them, each a little different and then slowly phased out of the Christmas festivities. Definitely an acquired taste.

Of course "fruitcake" is also a term describing anyone a little out of phase with reality.

Considering he is outrageously "heavy," "liquor soaked," and has just enough blather to "bind" his brain together, could we use the term for Teddy Kennedy?
-- Jim Woodward
Fruitland, Maryland

Letter to the Editor

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