By Jay D. Homnick on 2.15.06 @ 12:06AM
Twenty-five column leads destined for the dustbin of history.
The American Spectator has taken lately to advertising
itself as "America's cleverest magazine," causing sleepless nights
and extensive therapy for those of its humble contributors like
Yours Truly who are fearful that they cannot live up to that
billing. The secret of being a good columnist is to nail the
opening sentence, writing something that is at once witty,
compelling and indicative of where the article is heading. With the
bar now set so high, I have been forced to discard some openings
that fell just short. Here are twenty-five that are headed for the
wastepaper receptacle; maybe you can use 'em.
1) Consumer confidence is down, they say, and at least in my
case they're right: I don't buy it.
2) That old peanut farmer, Jimmy Carter, taught the Democratic
Party a great deal: since his departure they have produced a
consistent harvest of nuts.
3) The late Betty Friedan pursued an ingenious strategy of
uglification; after the Wicked-Witch-of-the-West look-alike had a
few children, she wrote a series of books to convince nice-looking
women like Gloria Steinem not to reproduce.
4) Oprah Winfrey has become so incensed at James Frey for
fooling her with his book, A Million Little Pieces, that
she has berated him on national television -- and fired him from
ghost-writing her memoir.
5) The left wing of the Supreme Court claims to speak for
modernity but has an average age of 72; soon they'll be the
greatest concentration of liberal octogenarians outside of 60
Minutes.
6) The NSA defends its warrantless wiretapping program by
pointing out that the windows of opportunity don't last long: once
the eaves drop, the sashes go quickly.
7) Martha Stewart has come back to Us and she can now return to
her People; she has paid her debt to the society page.
8) Fate offered Cindy Sheehan a shot at ordinary anonymity, kind
of kind and pretty pretty, but she wanted more.
9) We know that the Muslims take our cartoons too seriously and
we know that they are always looking for moral equivalence: could
it be that Zarqawi killed the producer of the Halloween movies
intentionally, as part of his War on Terror?
10) This notion that there is a global clash between the Western
and Islamic cultures introduces a novel premise; namely, that the
other side has a culture.
11) I'm not sure where this idea comes from that Michael Moore
would not be a good companion in a trench: he looks to me like a
fine trencherman.
12) Apparently there is intense rivalry among Bush Vice
Presidents: the radio reports that Dick Cheney was shooting at
Quayle but accidentally hit a Texan lawyer right in the
potatoe.
13) The 250th anniversary of Mozart's birth reminds us that
music did not begin with Frank Sinatra: long before there was a Rat
Pack we had the Wolf Gang.
14) Tom DeLay may have pulled a boner to cost him his job as
Majority leader but John Boehner did not delay in campaigning for
the vacated slot.
15) John Kerry abandoned his neutrality when he announced from
Switzerland that he would filibuster the Alito nomination --
ostensibly because of his concern for Dick Cheney's daughter.
16) Samuel Alito's first act as a Justice was to grant a stay of
execution on the premise that Missouri's form of capital punishment
might be cruel and unusual: apparently they administer death by
Senate hearing.
17) Self-immolation is not my preferred form of protest; no one
likes making a fuel of himself.
18) A couple of people went to the Olympics to reach for the
brass ring but took nasty spills when it turned out that those five
rings are welded together.
19) Scooter Libby says that he is affiliated with Reform and
Jack Abramoff has in recent years identified with Orthodox; one
thing for sure, neither has helped the conservatives.
20) It is becoming progressively clearer why the Republicans
have been pummeling the Democrats in elections: there is an agenda
gap.
21) President Bush graciously called the Pittsburgh Steelers to
congratulate them on their Super Bowl victory and to attribute
their success to his protectionist tariffs.
22) Democrats say that our stewardship of the caribou habitat in
Alaska constrains us from digging there for oil; Republicans call
that Steward's Folly.
23) Mike Brown says he drove his Chevy to the levee but the
levee was dry and the good old boys in Homeland Security were
drinking whiskey and rye: where have I heard this song and dance
before?
24) Nancy Pelosi claims that the Republicans foster a culture of
corruption; in its place the Democrats offer the corruption of
culture.
25) Hillary Clinton recently started to talk tough against Iran;
in my appearance on the Larry Elder Show I announced that
henceforth she shall be known as the "Battle Axis of Evil."
There you go. Now take my rejects and earn yourself a nice
living at one of America's less clever magazines.
topics:
Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Hillary Clinton, Television, Islam, Books, Movies, Law, Supreme Court, Iran, Alaska, Oil
