In its day Enemy Central has seen everything. But this is the
first time it’s had to serve as dogcatcher, deputized to snag all
the mangy mutts and muttesses traipsing along our country’s streets
and back alleys in rabid packs and deep in political heat. Once
Uncle Teddy finds himself impounded with the rest, he’ll be
relabeling them scurrilous curs.
We are nonetheless grateful to Ted for his one unscripted moment
in the Alioto hearings (we’ll take his-hard-of-hearing name for
their subject). Because as he accused his colleagues of scurrility,
he happened to be looking Chuck Schumer straight in the eye, to the
extent that one can eye-ball the Senate’s cross-eyed Doberman. It
was a happy moment. Teddy appeared to chortle. So
pre-Chappaquiddick.
Nobody’s laughing now, unless it be Democrat-at-large Osama bin
Laden, who barked out a closing tune after earlier howls this week
by Al Gore and Mrs. Bill Clinton (yes, we know, calling her that
sounds as funny as it looks in print). At least OBL didn’t yelp —
he left that to attention-starved Patrick Leahy, who was first out
of the Senate kennel to announce he’s not going to lift his paw for
Judge Alito.
Just think. Unlike Dick Cheney, Alito didn’t even have to tell
Leahy to go feed himself to earn that honor. Plus Mrs. Alito will
have one fewer reason to resort to her hanky. Now to figure out the
correlation between baldness and moral manginess.
The Hon. Bin Laden has proposed a “truce,” a staple of the
Demodog lexicon. The word is borrowed from “trus” (pronounced
“troos”), the Russian term for “coward.” Of course, the word today
has different connotations. In Moscow, a coward is someone who
declines to go snorkeling in an ice-covered lake. In Washington, it
is someone who questions Rep. Jack Murtha’s bona fides.
Returning to our best in show, Sen. Joe Biden remains expert at
chasing his own tail. All the while he pants and begs, on the
assumption that the sweet Patti Page song, “How Much Is That Doggie
in the Window?” was all about him. His act has suckered more than
one pundit, including a conservative canine lover who wrote a
column entitled “In Praise of Joe Biden” in which he argued that
pal Joey is a “thoughtful” creature capable of an “immense
emotional range.” Where are the conservatives of yesteryear who
insisted on obedience school for unruly pets?
Are we forgetting anyone? The runt of the litter? That would be
Sen. Russ Feingold, at least in his own estimation, so let’s move
on to Illinois’ borderline collie, Sen. Dick Durbin. His mug is
pleasant, his demeanor calm, his coat smooth — but who would want
to depend on him for rescue? For all his outward positives,
something deep down suggests Dick is disturbingly unsettled. There
may be no precedent for his odd behavior. We wouldn’t recommend
overturning him to scratch his tummy.
Pack leader Harry Reid, on the other hand, is a mongrel we can
trust. What else can be said about a critter who accepted tasty
bones from Jack Abramoff’s hounds and now refuses to return them on
the grounds that the givers weren’t registered with the American
Kennel Association? Harry’s nobility came through coyote clear when
he compared Congress’s handlers to John Gotti and other experts in
bone burial along dog-beaten paths. And at the end of the day, like
the craven creature dogs are said to be, Harry apologized to
Republicans for growling at them.
We suspect needy Harry is still hoping to be stroked and petted,
of course when no one is looking. Every animal has his pride. Out
of respect for all these creatures, large and small, we’ve left out
an EOW prize for Harry — on the assumption he won’t want to share
it with his fellow barkers, who’ll then proceed to tear into each
other until the real winner is determined.
