By Patrick Hynes on 1.13.06 @ 12:06AM
There's no end in sight to modernity's shameful exploitations of the Son of God.
Year 2004 was a mixed bag for Jesus. While the last day of His
life on earth made for a very successful bio pic at the hands of
producer/director Mel Gibson, he was also the subject of a whole
lot of flogging at the hands of Frank Rich and the gang at the
Times. And then in 2005, the Son of Man faced the ultimate
indignity by being quoted frequently (and just as frequently
misquoted) by Democrat National Chairman Howard Dean. But 2006 is
already starting to look like His worst year since 33 A.D.
The prophets over at High Times ask in this month's
issue, "Was Jesus a Stoner?" How else can you explain the fact that
he healed all those people? Using an extract from cannabis called
kaneh-bosem, we are led to believe, Jesus presumably brought little
girls back to life and cured blindness. This leaves open the
question why kaneh-bosem ever went out of style or why other
would-be Messiahs didn't catch on to Rabbi Feelgood's Magic
Formula. But the real kicker is that the author of the article, one
Chris Bennet, claims that those who persecute marijuana users are,
in light of this new discovery, the antichrist.
Viewers of NBC's The Book of Daniel might be forgiven
for believing Jesus was doing a little something more than just
casting our demons with the weed. The clever writers of that
offensive little cultural blight decided to cast Jesus as a
hippie-ish dude who fluffs off the sexual peccadilloes of one
character by saying, "He's a kid, let him be a kid," and who
appears completely untroubled by evil or sin in the world.
Hold on. It gets better.
The biggest Hollywood blockbuster in 2006 will surely be Ron
Howard's The Da Vinci Code, the cinematic adaptation of
Dan Brown's wildly successful novel, which posits that Jesus of
Nazareth wasn't so much the Savior of all mankind from sin, but
rather a spiritual Jew who married this chick named Mary Magdalene
and whose great, great, great, great, great grandkids set up the
Merovingian dynasty in Dark Ages France. Oh yeah, and the Catholic
Church has used murder and intimidation to cover up this marriage
for almost two thousand years.
But all of these folks may have a big problem on their hands.
You see, an Italian court will soon decide once and for all if
Jesus of Nazareth ever even really existed or whether he was a
collective figment of early Christians' imagination. A Signor Luigi
Cascioli is suing Father Enrico Righi for "abusing popular
credulity" by denouncing in the church bulletin Signor Cascioli's
assertions that Jesus never was. In order to dodge his legal
bullet, Father Righi is going to have to prove a Jesus in fact
lived in first century Palestine. And the Gospels don't count
because they have largely been misinterpreted, don't you know. The
very fact that the court has taken up the case -- a case it had
originally refused to hear but flipped when the original decision
was appealed -- tells us in advance what the decision is likely to
be.
Ah, Jesus. A pot-smoking hippie who married Mary and never
really existed at all. The same yesterday, today, and forever.
topics:
Hollywood
