Late Monday we issued an APB — by Tuesday morning our case was
solved. By Tuesday afternoon we were receiving trauma counseling.
By Tuesday evening we heard from FEMA, the ACLU, someone calling
himself a special prosecutor, and a deserter code-named Howie D
found once again wrapping himself in a white flag. So while we’re
assured of a generous federal handout for the cleanup work we’re
doing, it could be that we also acted hastily — extra-judicially,
so to speak — in rounding up the usual suspects and violating the
Democrats’ recent amendment protecting their white flags from
public burning and other forms of desecration.
We can’t say we don’t trust the wisdom of our EOY posse. Missive
after missive hauled in the likes of Pelosi, Reid, and Dean (“the
Democratic Party’s Axis of Evil”), Joe Wilson (“for outing his
wife”), “Jimmuh” (“for another pathetic attempt at being an
author”), “little” Dick Durbin, Michael Brown (“who should never
have left his job shoveling stable sauce”), John Murtha (“a big
bear of a man” — i.e. before he became Goldilocks), tall leaker
Jay Rockefeller (see our letter to Vice President Cheney), John
“Lurch” Kerry, Katrina kids Ray Nagin and Kathleen Blanco (though
she does most of the naggin’) — and let’s not forget about John
McCain, much as everyone is hoping we could.
In a sign of a new maturity, next to no one nominated Bill
Clinton or even mentioned Madame Hillary. Evidently all her serious
praying is paying off. At this rate her name recognition could go
south. Keep it up, Senator, and come 2008 you’ll be a fresher item
than Mark Warner.
One particularly concerned posseist urged us to go easy on Cindy
Sheehan. He called her merely an “enraging twit.” His argument is
compelling: “Pick the people who have thrust the twit forward in
the effort to bring about our defeat in Iraq, not the twit
herself.”
That part is easy. As it happens, our posse is also highly
literate and well-misinformed, judging by the many copies we found
in our driveway of discarded copies of the New York Times
and other participants in the vast mainstream media. Funny how
quickly their newsprint turns yellow.
Nonetheless, we worry. No one bothered to throw a television in
our direction. Other than a hasty denunciation of all-talk Chris
Matthews, TV news passed under the radar of our search teams. So
now we have no way of knowing whether Mary Mapes lives in greater
delusion than, say, Mother Sheehan. Or whether Terry Moran is
finding happiness as member of Nightline’s post-Ted
triumvirate. (Honk if you’ve ever watched.) Does anyone care that
Bob Schieffer is the most trusted man in America?
No one dared denounce Patrick Fitzgerald either — thereby
confirming the fear he strikes in the heart of every decent
citizen. Barbara Boxer no longer inspires horror — proving her
novel is selling even worse than Maureen Dowd’s unnecessary book.
At this stage, according to Middle East experts, Mo would be lucky
to get Saddam Hussein to date her. To be sure, this intelligence
could be flawed.
Clearly our times and our cause call for fresh faces.
Time magazine thought it would be original to name Mr. and
Mrs. Bill Gates and an Irish-Italian named Bono as its Personas of
the Year. But check out the cover illustration. Bono is strikingly in the
middle, while Mr. Gates is prominently on the left, with Mrs. Gates
relegated to the background on the right. Simple sexism and
celebrity worship? Or an indication the Gates have split? At least
when Time’s end of year issue included a photo of Valerie
Plame in the background, she had an excuse: she was in her pajamas,
just the thing to wear when you’re under the covers.
So who’ll it be? For guidance we turned to someone who obviously
has remained sober this entire time. He tells us: “The true enemy
is actually killing Americans and America’s friends, and plotting
every day to kill more. We can’t lose sight of that.” For that
reason, he notes, “I have to nominate the Terrorist Bastards in
Iraq (TBII) as Enemy of the Year.” No arguments here. The verdict
is unanimous. We have our winner.
Special thanks to Drew Cline, Greg Barnard, J. Shepard, J.
Babbin, Deborah Durkee, Harold Richardson, G.M. Strong, Boris
Berejan, Larry Hawk, Jim Comstock, Elaine Kyle, Stuart Reed, Ron
Pettengill, Annette Cwik, Newt Love, Ellen Onstott, Brad Bettin,
Kirk Walker et al.
