There ain’t a dime’s worth of difference between Democrats and Republicans, complained the late George Wallace back in 1968, when seven cents bought a Snickers bar. Thirty-seven years and 1,000 percent inflation later, you can still utter Wallace’s cynical remark and it will buy you plenty of snickers at the local bar.
Here, then, as a public service, is my handy-dandy guide to who is a Democrat and who is a Republican.
IF YOU’RE too dumb to figure out a butterfly ballot, then you’re probably trying to vote for that smart Democrat Presidential candidate. If you are smart enough to handle the ballot, you are probably voting for that dumb Republican.
If you’re afraid to take a magnetic resonance image because your nose ring might stick to the magnet, you’re a Democrat. If you’re afraid to bob for apples at the church carnival because your tie might fall into the water, you’re a Republican.
If you think that VP stands for Valerie Plame, you’re a Democrat. If you think that it stands for Dick Cheney, then you’re a Republican.
If you think that abortion is a medical procedure of utmost privacy that is arrived at through a mystical confluence of a woman’s agonizing choice and a physician’s gentle counsel, you’re a Democrat. If you think that it’s just a form of retroactive birth control, you’re also a Democrat. If you think that it has no moral component, you’re a super Democrat. If you think that a human fetus in the womb is a baby who feels pain but is helpless, then you’re a scientist. There is no original Republican position on this, other than to respect the science and protect that child.
If you think that the Army is a wonderful organization because it fields a Corps of Engineers that protects the wetlands, you’re a Democrat. If you think it’s wonderful because of its corps of specialists that protect us by doing wet work, you’re a Republican.
If you think that alfalfa sprouts are food but gently grazing farm animals need protection from predatory humans, you’re a Democrat. If you think like Dan Rather’s rancher father-in-law that vegetables are “what food eats,” you’re a Republican.
If you think that Uncle Sam feeds you while Big Business is trying to milk you dry, you’re a Democrat. If you think that God feeds you, with a little help from a job through Big Business, while Uncle Sam is milking you dry, you’re a Republican.
If you think that marriage is a beautiful thing that can be shared by any two human beings who truly love each other and commit to each other’s welfare in sickness or in health until death do them part even if they share a gender as well as a toothbrush, you’re a West Coast Democrat. If you think that marriage is an artificial phony structure superimposed by society on the private loves of individuals in an effort to homogenize them into bland and dispassionate economic units so there’s really no point in caring what gender the partners to this are, you’re an East Coast Democrat. If you’re just stuck on the sweet old-fashioned notion that marriage is between a man and a woman and it has some transcendent importance even if you’re sort of dumbstruck when asked to explain why, you’re a Republican.
If you think that recycling is virtue and Styrofoam is vice, you’re a Democrat. If you think that a Yugo is virtue and an SUV is vice, you’re a Democrat. If you think that having children is virtue and not educating them is vice, you’re a Republican.
If you think that public schools are our children’s trusty fortresses against fanaticism, you’re a Democrat. If you see them as invidious laboratories for dissolving our culture, you’re a Republican.
If you see criminals as the victims of the intrinsic inequity of our society, you’re a Democrat. If you see them as choosers of a bad path who prey on the hard-working and the good-hearted, you’re a Republican.
If you think that America is an arrogant imperialist nation that is trying to impose a set of parochial views on all humanity by playing the role of sole superpower and policeman to the world, you’re a Democrat. If you think that we are a kind and just nation of people who would prefer to stay home but do not shy away from sacrificing for freedom on faraway shores, you’re a Republican.
Finally, if you think the game that involves using an elongated pole to poke a ball into a hole is called pool, you’re a Democrat. If you think that it’s called golf, you’re a Republican. Which reminds me: I’m much too poor to be a Republican. Brother, can you spare a dime?
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