The American Spectator

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Now we’re making progress, but we know that disempowering the Federal Edu-crats is not really going to stop the serious lobby groups like the National Education Association, who can always reassemble behind the camouflage of state education associations. In this education revolution, it’s time to let a thousand flowers bloom:

p> Beale v. State of New York br> Notre Dame graduate and Iraq War veteran Chuck Beale wants to teach in schools, but doesn’t have any teaching courses under his belt. Citing the Eighth Amendment, the Court rules that existing teacher training is cruel and unusual punishment not fit for a dog. Within a week, 100,000 new teachers come forward, reflecting the rainbow of America’s experiential greatness. The NEA monolith is shattered. /p>

And while we’re cleaning house in the schoolyards, maybe it’s time to disinfect the place with:

p> Chance v. Los Angeles Board of Education br> Citing the first ten words of the Bill of Rights (“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion”), the Court rules that Camille Chance, a single mother atheist, does not have to subject her daughter Donna to the “religion” of Secularism at her government school. The Justices hold that the latex birth control device known as a condom is a religious totem of the Secularists comparable in its ubiquitous celebration to a cross or a mezuzah, and therefore has no place in the classroom. In addition, the Court mandates that all federal programs have six months to expunge any other books, posters, or items that promote the Religion of Secularism. /p>

The Earl Warren/Warren Earl Burger era has now entered the dustbin of palindromes. But are conservatives happy yet? Of course not — at least not until something is done about the pesky immigration problem. Fortunately, for that the remedy is:

p> Tancredo v. Bush br> Cowed by talk radio, Congress holds their nose and, with a veto-proof majority, votes for an innovative piece of legislation from Rep. Tom Tancredo. Citing Article I Section 8 and Congress’s “privilege to declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal,” Tancredo’s stunt dusts off an obscure, archaic gambit. His bill will issue up to 100,000 “letters of marque” to deputize the Minutemen to make arrests at the American border. The Court finds this approach to be precisely the intent and meaning of the original text. Illegal immigration is stopped.