As President Bush prepares to announce his first Supreme Court
nominee, we’ll no doubt be hearing about all sorts of “judicial
tests.” There is, of course, the litmus test for abortion. There is
also the left-wing bite mark test, as undoubtedly People For the
American Way, the Alliance For Justice, and Ted Kennedy’s staff
are readying the chum buckets for the media sharks.
There is a lesser-known test called the Georgetown Cocktail
Party Test. It’s “lesser known” because I just made it up. However,
if you don’t believe that the U.S. Constitution mandates taxpayer
subsidies of performance artists smearing chocolate all over their
bodies, you should demand that the Bushies administer the
Georgetown Cocktail Party Test to all potential nominees.
As far as I can tell, having now lived in D.C. for almost a
year, the biggest problem facing Supreme Court Justices is posed by
the after-hours get-togethers in the tony area of the Beltway. The
acceptable opinion at most Georgetown cocktail parties is decidedly
liberal, and a Justice will be invited to many of them during his
or her tenure. The pressure will eventually wear down a wishy-washy
Justice like Sandra Day O’Connor, Anthony Kennedy, or David Souter.
Anyone whose principles are not rock solid can only hear, “Oh,
Sandy, did you really have to rule that school vouchers were
constitutional?” so many times before she feels the need to win
plaudits next time by upholding campaign-finance reform.
Thus, to satisfy conservatives the Bush Administration must
require all potential nominees to take a multiple choice exam
testing how they would react to likely conversational settings at
Georgetown cocktail parties. Below are some suggested exam
questions:
1. A gentleman next to you says, “The New York Times
op-ed page is the finest in the land.” How would you respond?
A. Raise your glass and say, “Ah, the New York
Times.”
B. “Yes, I agree. And that Paul Krugman deserves a Nobel
Prize!”
C. “Some mothers need to confiscate their kids’ crayons before they
leave the house in the morning.”
2. A woman with so much hairspray that you are afraid to light a
match exclaims, “Those awful Republicans are cutting all those
social programs! The poor will suffer so much!” Do you:
A. Nod politely.
B. Respond, “Yes, and not only that, we need to do something about
the root causes of poverty.”
C. Say, “Maybe it would help if unwed mothers had only two kids
instead of three before they reached their seventeenth
birthday.”
3. A skinny man with long, gray hair stands next to you and
nervously says, “Crime is just terrible. So often society is to
blame.” You reply:
A. “Yes, crime is a tragedy.”
B. “Yes, and not only that, we need to do something about the root
causes of crime.”
C. “I have two friends who know exactly how to solve crime. Their
names are Smith and Wesson.”
4. A couple who says they are originally from California start
speaking highly of Senator Barbara Boxer. How do you reply?
A. “Yeah, that Boxer, she’s something.”
B. “She’s great! I can’t wait to read her new novel!”
C. “Boxer is useful. We need a few of her in Congress to remind us
what socialists are like.”
5. A gruff woman accosts you and in a raised voice says, “Women
need to have the right to an abortion! Men are the proof of that!”
Do you reply:
A. “I’m sorry, you are?”
B. “You know, Andrea Dworkin is one of my favorite authors!”
C. “Ma’am, was your daddy ‘whipped’?
Any judge who answers “C” to every question should be nominated
immediately. Georgetown cocktail parties are unlikely to soften
him, and even if they would there is little reason to worry since
those answers will ensure that he is not invited back.
A potential nominee who throws in a few “A” answers is okay, but
should be regarded with a bit of suspicion. And the nominee who
answers “B” to any of the questions, well, President Bush should
sit him down and say, “You know, I like the job you’re doing as
Attorney General so much that I want to keep you there.”
