The following was written after reading the New York
Times and Ron Chernow’s Alexander Hamilton on the
same subway ride…
PITTSBURGH, AUGUST, 1794 - In a striking display of divisions that
have plagued the fledgling United States government, thousands of
insurgents in Western Pennsylvania have set fire to homes,
kidnapped public officials, and vowed continued defiance of a
federal excise tax on whiskey.
Facing an insurgency that is proving itself resilient, President
Washington mulled sending federal troops to quell the rebellion.
Such an action would be sure to draw harsh criticism, creating
deeper fissures within the already fragile nascent American
republic.
The president’s opponents seized on the crisis to revive
questions about the rationale for the War of Independence, renewing
criticism that colonial intelligence overstated the threat that was
posed by the British monarchy.
“This is exactly what I’ve been telling people all along,” said
Josephus Kerry, whose intention to seek the presidency in 1796 is
somewhat of an open secret. “When he was a general, Washington
misled the colonies to war without a plan to win the peace.”
Others were more emphatic in their criticism, especially Michael
Morbid, whose blockbuster pamphlet “Fahrenheit 1776” alleges that
the War of Independence occurred because the British government
backed out of secret plans to build a beer pipeline from
Massachusetts to Virginia.
“People seem to forget that in the 1750s, Washington was
fighting alongside the British in the French and Indian War,” Mr.
Morbid said. “It was only after King George III put the kibosh on
the pipeline project that things changed.”
He added, “From the top down, this Administration is rife with
ties to big beer. It’s no coincidence that the vice-president’s
cousin is Sam Adams.”
A member of the Move On Society, speaking under the
condition of anonymity, said the group planned simultaneous
protests in several cities during August, which they have declared,
“Impeach Washingcrook” month.
The increasing boldness of the insurgency in Pennsylvania is
just the latest blow to the Washington Administration, which has
also grappled with maintaining a cabinet. At the end of last year,
Thomas Jefferson resigned as Secretary of State amid bitter
infighting with Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton.
Meanwhile, members of Congress geared up for a contentious
battle over whether to recall John Jay from his position as an
envoy to England. Mr. Jay has been tarnished by new revelations
suggesting that he is not very nice.
In 1790, according to testimony, Mr. Jay belittled a subordinate
by brusquely refusing to share a portion of plum pudding with
him.
“This incident raises serious questions about his ability to
serve in a diplomatic capacity,” said Connecticut Senator
Christopher Dolt.
To experts, this perfect storm of events underscores the
difficulties confronting America’s radical experiment with
government. More than a decade after the end of major combat
operations in the Revolutionary War and six years since the
ratification of the U.S. Constitution, deep factional feuds still
remain.
“There’s a reason why there aren’t any successful representative
republics in the world,” said Sir Alfred Talksalot, the objective
manager of the non-partisan Brookings Lodge. “Any attempt to impose
too much freedom on a society breeds anarchy. And I think that’s
largely what we’re seeing now.”
With the fate of the nation and the future of liberty hanging in
the balance, opposition leaders Nancy Pilates and Hollow Reed
issued a terse joint-statement: “Whatever it is, we’re against
it!”
