The American Spectator

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Kid's Play

3.14.05 @ 12:01AM

PARENTS UNDER SIEGE
Re: Lawrence Henry's Don't Buy Toys:

Great article. But if you want to know the full-bodied, throat-grabbing, oxygen-stealing experience of useless toy propagation, you should try having triplets.

Yeah, three of the little buggers, eleven years old now and all boys, luckily. Even my wife agrees that teenage girl triplets might have been cause to slip away and join the French Foreign Legion.

With the arrival of "the guys" we were inundated with well meaning gifts from friends and relatives. Rattles and stuffed animals appeared by the carload. I can't recall ever buying anything like that myself. My wife and I were too busy changing diapers and making formula to indulge in the gift-giving urge that seems to overcome friends and family of multiple children (by multiple, I mean triplets or higher, twins, as real multiple parents know, don't count).

I have a theory that the United States armed forces would do well to recruit the parents of multiples to run the quartermaster corps of the various military branches. Keeping after multiples brings out innate organizational skills in a person, not to mention a keen development of the herding instinct.

When it came to toys, my wife and I have always been in perfect agreement. As soon as we received that first set of three "ever fun and educational sound effect" baby toys, we knew that we had a mission. With a vision of a house full of chatting, talking and squeaking junk to goad us on, we absolutely forbid anyone, grandparents included, to give any audio-active toy to the boys. Being a meek person myself, I left the enforcement of our rule to my better half, who could give glaring lessons to Howard Dean. Word quickly spread among friends and family: talking toys for the triplets are taboo.

And the boys have not suffered from our decision. To the contrary, my wife and I are game people. The boys have grown up in a house filled with board games such as Monopoly, chess and Scrabble, and plenty of card games, especially Pinochle. We also let them play video games, making sure that the games are age appropriate and with the simple rule that the game must be for multiple players, or if for a single controller, that everyone must have a turn. That turns the video console into a social experience rather than a machine for creating brainwashed solitary preteen zombies.

I personally consider it a holy duty to teach the boys how to play poker and pool, so that they can have a meaningful college experience when they get older (I used to add pinball to that list of "must learn games for college" but I'm afraid that bar room pinball machines have gone the way of the dinosaur).

I heartily agree with Mr. Henry's strategy for disposing of useless toys. He has taken a step that most parents shy away from. Keep up the good work, and remember, a good game of eight ball will serve your kid much better than an extra class of postmodern English Literature.
-- Robert F. Casselberry

Lawrence Henry replies:
Eight ball! Heaven forefend! Teach 'em straight pool.

Thank God those days are well behind me. Mr. Henry's experience does bring back some memories of performing a garbage bag clean up every year or so. But the talking doll was too much as it reminded me of the "Twilight Zone" episode that featured Telly Savalas, "Talking Tina." Lawrence better be careful, the Savalas character paid with his life for throwing Tina away.
-- Anthony Mastroserio
Princeton, New Jersey

Mr. Henry, your article this week has never been truer or closer to home. I am in the process of cleaning out my cellar in preparation to moving. It's been 28 years and five kids since I have really gone through it. I am surprised at the amount of toys that have been hidden down there for many years. I think some of them might have some value as relics of the past but most are broken junk. My biggest find though, was boxes and boxes of Legos. Fortunately, I have been able to pawn a good portion of these off on my grandson ( much to the despair of the parents), in which case, 20 years down the road they can pawn off on their grandkids, and so forth. I understand the scrutiny you may endure as you take a trip out to the garbage barrel, as I have to pass thru the same myself. (My wife would make a good TSA employee.) Rest assured that your article probably hit home with a lot of us parents.
-- Pete Chagnon

Like you, I also (somewhat of a scrooge) was not inclined to overbuy toys for my son, though I did have the desire to buy what I thought were interesting toys for him. Because of his lack of interest in many of them, it didn't take too long to realize that I was buying them for myself rather than him (and wasting a bit of money). And compared to his friends and schoolmates, he certainly had fewer toys and gadgets than most, but he didn't really care.

Now at age 20, as a college student, he does not have a great desire for acquiring or having "things" that he does not need. His request list for presents for a birthday or Christmas is usually pretty short and reasonable. I believe your premise is correct that parents are pleasing themselves rather than the children.
-- Marcy Chambers

We live in an era of "stuff." Some of it useful, much of it easily obtained, and unfretted if lost. But it's useful stuff (someday) and it chagrins many to simply pitch the useful "stuff" because it's taking up "space." Space in this case being the square footage surrendered to all the "stuff."

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