PITTSBURGH — I think the White House might have my computer
bugged. I was digging around the web a few weeks ago for some dirt
on how the Bush administration managed to slip some hefty chunks of
taxpayers’ money into the pockets of friendly columnists.
The problem, apart from the ethics, is that I didn’t get a dime,
after helping plenty to plug the administration’s agenda, and so,
in print, I pointed out how the allocation of this political payola
was remarkably inept and inequitable.
All this was happening right while the White House was putting
the finishing touches on its 2006 budget. And Shazam, whad’ya know,
my two favorite things about the federal government, the only
concrete things I get from the feds that I can put my hands around
— free beach sand and subsidized train tickets — are completely
zeroed out, gone, to the shock and surprise of no small number of
pundits and coastal politicos.
Here’s how it came across the news wires: “The Bush
administration will, for the first time, propose eliminating
operating subsidies for passenger train operator Amtrak as part of
a push to cut budget deficits.” And forget track repairs, unless
everything goes belly-up: “Funding is proposed for the maintenance
costs of local commuter railroads that use Amtrak lines, but that
money would be available only if Amtrak goes bankrupt.”
Then came the sand news: “The administration’s budget not only
calls for halting future beach restoration projects conducted by
the Army Corps of Engineers but also proposes an immediate halt to
the multi-million dollar Dewey-Rehoboth Beach project now
underway.”
The problem is that my wife won’t fly, and that’s before the
jihadists were onboard with fuses hanging out of their tennis
shoes. And we have a beach house in Jersey, right up next to the
dunes in Sea Isle, still with a huge mortgage, totally vulnerable
to even the tiniest tsunami, and worthless without sand.
The bottom line in all this is that as an average American I’ll
be working until April 11 for taxes this year. That’s when,
according to the Tax Foundation, I’ll have earned enough money to
pay off all my federal, state and local taxes for the year.
On the plus side, I’ll be getting a little back in a few weeks
by way of heading for Florida on Amtrak’s Auto Train. Our ticket
price for 4 adults, 2 kids and 2 cars, round trip with sleepers, is
$3,177, with complimentary movies, dinner and breakfast. On
average, the federal government chips in about $100 in subsidies
per passenger per trip on Amtrak’s long distance runs, so we’re on
the dole for a total of $1,200, round trip.
So big deal. My part of that $1,200 is $400, and that’s only
every other year, so I’m getting $200 a year, which means they’re
still taking 100 percent of everything I earn up until April 9 —
enough, you’d think, so they could afford to pipe a little sand my
way when things start collapsing.
In any case, I don’t want to be accused of being greedy for free
sand or going wobbly on my libertarian instincts, but an Americans
for Tax Reform analysis shows that 43 percent of the price of beer
is taxes, and you can’t sell many bottles in Jersey without a
beach. Altogether, tourism is a $35 billion industry in New Jersey,
mainly at the shore, supporting some 850,000 jobs and generating
$23 billion in salaries and $8 billion in taxes on sales and
income. And that’s not counting the sky-high real estate taxes on
sky-high beachfront property that won’t be so pricey if the sand
disappears.
The costs and benefits? As far as I can figure, the proposed
federal cut in Jersey’s sand replenishment is $31 million, or less
than 1/1000th of what tourists in Jersey spend per year, mainly at
the beach.
In other budget news, the administration wants $29 million to
study the feasibility of nuclear bunker busters. Called the Robust
Nuclear Earth Penetrator, this thing would be dropped from high
altitudes and carry a nuclear explosive package of two existing
warheads — the B-61 and the B-83 — and be housed in a casing
capable of burrowing deep into the earth before exploding, like in
Osama’s cave or North Korea.
Now I know Kim Jong II is a bona fide knuckle-dragger, but I’d
still put a lid on the Robust Penetrator for a year and fix the
beaches.
