The American Spectator

Stay out late before the curfews start.

How ‘bout you all just get jobs, and go to bed with the rest of us.

Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his “accident.”

Well, The Boss is prone to “accidents.” If you need proof, just pick up any of his records from the 1990s.

Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.

Is Tyrrell still working on that?

Use the phrase, “you can’t do that this is America.”

Okay, how about, “You can’t take my guns away, this is America!” No, wait, I’ve got another one, “You can’t arbitrarily confiscate people’s wealth, this is America!” Another, “You can’t isolate pro-life protesters into ‘free-speech zones,’ this is America!” Hey, where are you going? I’m just getting warmed up!

If you’re white, marry a black person, if you’re black, marry a white person.

Here’s a novel idea: Why don’t we just marry the person we love? If that’s not possible, can I keep the Jew I just married, or do I have to trade her in for something more politically correct?

Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.

Are you running a booth or something? Besides, I’d like to see a snowmobile or a base-jumper charge toward me in this Hummer.

(I actually don’t have a Hummer, or any car at all, but I thought I’d give our liberal readers a momentary bit of cardiovascular exercise.)

Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.

It won’t be very accelerated if everyone enrolls, now will it? And maybe some kids don’t want to be dancers or painters. It’s the sad truth, but not everyone wants to fit into your little romantic dream world. If I have a son who loves math and science, I’m not going to break his heart by forcing him to become a dancer. I know what you’re thinking: You’re too easy on him, Macomber. Hey, look I tried cramming Rent down his throat for sixteen years, and the kid still keeps fiddling with that damn calculator. What am I supposed to do?