The American Spectator

BOSTON — I first came across the the Wilton Democrats’ webpage back in September when they assailed my characterization of Democratic New Hampshire Senate hopeful Granny D as a “sideshow” candidate. I wrote these terrible things because Ms. D rode around in a psychedelic bus flying a pirate flag and feeding alligators. Nevertheless, my kind-hearted, tolerant, dissent-loving brethren were so incensed they prominently displayed a letter on their site suggesting I needed “a nap” or, at the very least, to be “shackled back at Pier 57 in New York City.” Violence, the last resort of the intellectually stunted, was openly endorsed against me as well: “The elderly in New Hampshire should rap him about the head with their canes.”

Last time I checked in with the Wilton Democrats, they were posting notes about John Kerry’s surefire victory under giddy headlines such as, “We’re Going to Win!” Bruce Springsteen and John Zogby were all the proof they ever needed. When that somehow didn’t work out — If The Boss isn’t running things, who the hell is? — the group underwent the sort of mystical experience they typically eschew and briefly flirted with a Higher Power-ordained secession from the United States to the new country of California:

“God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood,” one of these seers wrote. “In addition, we’re getting San Diego. (Sorry, that’s just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks). Just so we’re clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war.”

Right, right, because John Kerry was pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Wait, actually, wasn’t John Kerry the guy who admitted in the first debate that life begins at conception, refused to support gay marriage, and promised to fight on in Iraq and, indeed, hunt down and kill terrorists wherever they may be? I thought so.

ALL OF THIS MAY SOUND bitter and divisive, but the Wilton Democrats have come around and are now planning to celebrate the upcoming inaugural alongside the Red State ruffians. From the group’s “Action” page — also known as, “Things You Can Do to Make a Difference” — here are selections from ““Some Things to Do Before the Inaugural”:

Get that abortion you’ve always wanted.

Admittedly, this is not the most egalitarian way to kick things off, and crude to boot. I wasn’t aware there were people out there, even among the most earnestly pro-choice factions, who “always wanted” an abortion. Will these abortions be done strictly in the name of snubbing George W. Bush, or will there be other mitigating circumstances?

Drink a nice clean glass of water.

Um, all right. Done. What’s next?

Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.

Syria? Syria!? That’s your post-election plan? “Have a glass of water and go to Syria”? As a virulently anti-Semitic state sponsor of terrorism, Syria is not usually a hot vacation destination. I’m not going to drop a dime and ring up John Ashcroft or anything, but I have to say on the face of it, that’s some pretty sketchy stuff. Why not visit someplace less extreme instead, like Libya or Saudi Arabia?

Borrow books from library before they’re banned — Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer.

Now, this is appropriate. All the basics of the liberal approach to the law are covered here — sullen adolescence, fantastical conjuring of precedence out of thin air, hardcore sex — not that they have a litmus test or anything.

If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix — do it now.

Right, because another Piss Christ is a sure way to win back these elusive “values voters” everyone keeps talking about.