I can see, some years from now, a group of politicians, sitting
on chairs in a circle. One of them has a few traces of white hair,
and it is his turn to speak.
“Hi,” he says hesitantly. “I’m John McCain, and I am a Liberal
Media Acclaim Addict.”
“HI JOHN!” everyone else says in unison.
“Well,” John continues, “It all started for me when I ran for
president in 2000. I think it was in late February, I called
Christian conservative leaders like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell
‘agents of intolerance’ who engage in ‘political tactics of
division and slander.’ After I said that, loads of reporters came
up to me and said, ‘Congratulations! Well done! Nice going! Speak
The Truth! Truth To Power!’ I just loved it! The press corps
falling all over themselves to treat me like a superstar! My press
was great from that minute on.
“So I kept it up. In February of the following year, when
President Bush proposed his first tax cut, I expressed doubt about
whether the country could afford his tax cut. I offered the usual
ruse of the tax cut. My criticism was pretty mild but I was all
over the morning and weekend shows. After an appearance on the
Today Show, Katie Couric and Matt Lauer confided that they had
wanted to throw an after-show party for me, but their producers
nixed the idea. Oh, what a rush that was!
“Then came the global warming hearings that I held in the
Senate. The media loved that too! The press I got was just
wonderful! Yes, the hearings were terribly biased, inviting almost
no skeptics of global warming. But I didn’t call the hearings with
the idea of presenting a balanced picture. The media wouldn’t love
me if I promoted skeptics, only if I portrayed myself as a
crusader. That’s what Liberal Media Acclaim Addiction does to
you.
“After the 2004 election, I expressed my lack of confidence in
Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld. It was like shooting fish in a
barrel! The media loved it! They hated the war, and probably hated
Rumfeld even more. Kind of hard to blame them when Rumsfeld
routinely cleaned their clocks during press conferences. Not like
some of them didn’t deserve it, though. Anyway, the press went
wild! They loved me! I just couldn’t get enough!
“But there were warning sings that my addiction was out of
control. At one point in early 2004 I was seriously contemplating
being Senator John Kerry’s vice presidential nominee. That’s why I
told the Boston Herald that I thought John Kerry ‘could
rekindle the same campaign magic’ that I had ‘ignited’ during the
2000 race. I gave Kerry effusive praise, saying that ‘he’s smart,
he’s tough and he’s experienced. He has the capability.’ What a
crock! Kerry was anything but that! But, hey, could you imagine the
press I’d get for having been his Veep nominee? Heck, I could see
the New York Times, USA Today, and the
Washington Post calling for my face to be put on Mount
Rushmore! And they would have done that on the front page!
“But I never went through with it. The first person I told about
my idea was a very close friend who always gives me ‘straight
talk.’ He told me that I was nuts, that the GOP would abandon me,
and Republicans in Arizona would revolt. He reminded me that I was
also running for reelection in 2004 and that federal law did not
allow for me to run for both Senate and Vice President at the same
time. If I was Kerry’s Veep nominee and Kerry lost, I would be out
of power permanently. He told me that I was out of control. Well,
it had some effect. I decided that I wanted to be sure that I could
get loving attention from the Washington Press Corps whenever I
wanted it, and I could stay in the Senate forever from Arizona. So
I gave a superhuman effort and declined John Kerry when he did
offer the Veep nomination.
“Unfortunately, that last part of his advice didn’t stick. I ran
for the GOP nomination for president again in 2008. Right before
the South Carolina primary, a reporter asked me what I thought of
the religious right. I replied, ‘Just a bunch of ignorant,
intolerant, hypocritical troglodytes who want to turn this country
into a theocracy. If you want to know more about what I think just
see the stuff by Maureen Dowd, or Bob Herbert, or Paul Krugman in
the New York Times.’ The press loved it! I was their
poster-boy for what a good Republican should be! I even got a
congratulatory email from Howell Raines!
“And then the South Carolina Primary happened. You know, there
are few better ways to have an ego deflated than to receive 2% of
the vote.
“It was then that I realized I was a Liberal Media Acclaim
Addict. It was then that I realized I had a problem. And so now I
am here, seeking help.”
