The American Spectator

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"Hospital for two weeks. Touch and go. Know a reporter who says they called the hospital the next day and the Doc says, 'it's serious. If he lives, he'll be little more than a coach.' "

Not funny. What're they goin' to do about Detroit?

"Got a million instant solutions. Ban beer...or rather limit it to, say, the first half. Build a barricade between the fans and the floor. Get more security. Maybe recall the Iraq contingents for duty at NBA sites. I got a sure-fire cure but I don't think Stern'll buy it. Since it comes from the NFL."

Okay. Shoot, as they might say.

"You get this blonde babe from 'Horny Housewives'--"

Excuse me. That's "Desperate Housewives."

"Whatever. This Nicollette Sheridan babe. The one who gave Terrell Owens a hard time..."

I'm saying nothing.

"And you have her with her towel stand there at courtside throughout the game. And if at any time things begin to get outta hand -- well, you can guess."

She drops the towel?

"Naw. She puts on the towel. Fun's over."

Might cause more trouble than it cures.

"Well, then, there is always this. Listen to guys like Jabbar. Go back to the origins of basketball, when it was a sport that anybody could play, a non-contact game that valued speed, ball-handling ability, and a shooter's eye. Being tall helps, but then it helps in everything except marbles."

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