Since last we met, the race has tightened considerably. Dan
Rather was riding high, only to fall behind, one debate later, to
American holy warrior Mr. Tom Brokaw. The two met on stage at a
New Yorker festival last weekend, along with third party
candidate Peter Jennings, who was a relative voice of reason, no
doubt because not every friend of his falls under the category Park
Avenue Lib.
But first you may wonder what in the world the tony New
Yorker was doing hosting something as hoe down as a
“festival.” What next, a barn raising? Funny you ask. Our
informants tell us the event has a distinct purpose: to celebrate
the continuing nonpresence at the magazine of its Clinton-era
editress and temptress, tiny Tina Brown, who on that occasion is
burned at the stake — symbolically, of course, given that no one
at the weekly carries matches or a lighter anymore. Tina always
appreciates the gesture, regardless. One of her many complexes can
be traced back to Joan of Arc. As for her remaining ones, we can’t
help her here. Perhaps there’s still an analyst in session who
might explain her preoccupation during the Swift boat season
earlier this year with what she could only describe as Sen. Bob
Dole’s “detumescence.” Was it simple jealousy that she
didn’t land the Viagra contract?
Despite the distractions, Dan and Tom put on a memorable show.
Not even Solomon could rule which of the two is the kindest
journalist of his era. Ostensibly the anchors had gathered to pay
tribute to the victimized Rather. Rather was happy not to
monopolize the encomiums, heartfelt as his were to his own
independence, courage, and iconic status. No matter how things turn
out, Day may have the brightest future on Wall Street since Charlie
Sheen. “What I’m trying to be is an honest broker of information,”
he said, scout’s honor. By the time Brokaw defended him, Dan was
close to tears, as salty as the flow from a cut cactus. Tom
attacked the work of Internet’s sleuths who had caught Dan
red-handed as “highly inappropriate” and accused the White House of
trying to “demonize” Dan, all of it as part of a “political jihad.”
(Who writes his stuff, Al Gore?) We suspect if we’re nice Tom might
delay his pending retirement. Our country cannot afford to lose
both Tom and Dan in one fell swoop. It would leave us with only
nine of the first ten amendments.
Not losing any time, Dan’s intellectual rival at CBS, fellow
puny Texan Bob Schieffer, has published a thick thin book entitled
Face the Nation. It may not be a forgery, but the title is
pure plagiarism. As we Washington insiders know, CBS’s Sunday show
is called “Face the Nation.” Schieffer is its host. The revived
Columbia Journalism School will need to organize a seminar to
unravel the many conflicts at play here. Should Schieffer be
recused as an author or as a host? What’s more, is it fair that an
author hoping for bestsellerdom be allowed to moderate a debate
between the two presidential candidates? Who will be the star that
night? No one had to raise such questions when Messrs. Lehrer and
Gibson and Ms. Ifill volunteered to perform their recent bit of
public service.
We’d like to spend more time with the moderators, but in this
age of Republican dominance there are important Republicans to
honor. Let’s start with a victim of Ron Reagan disease, which can
affect even an octogenarian who hasn’t been in the spotlight in
some three or four or maybe eight decades. So what could have
inspired John Eisenhower to announce on the eve of the first
presidential debate that he has decided to vote for John Kerry and
as such emerge as the only friend John Kerry has on this green
earth? We suspect Dwight Eisenhower instilled an early version of
compassionate conservatism in his boy. If so, we’ll hold back on
our plans to confiscate the Gettysburg farm.
Moving on, we have the example of another wayward son who
contracted Ron Reagan disease before Ron himself did. Silly us
thought this case had gone into remission. But instead we have
Rhode Island Sen. Lincoln Chafee, who inherited his father’s seat
much like Kim Jong Il did Kim Il Sung’s, announce that he will vote
Republican except not for George W. Bush. What besides his first
name keeps Chafee Republican? He has our blessing to change it to
Cadillac.
John Edwards tried to divert our attention the other night by
singling out Sens. McCain, Hagel, and Lugar. We weren’t buying, not
until he can prove he’s met those men on the premises of the United
States Senate.
In any event, we’ve had enough diversions for one night. We knew
coming in Tom Brokaw was our choice for EOW. No undecideds here.
Remember us to Dan, Tom.
