BOSTON — Kerry’s fitness for his potential future role of
Commander in Chief, the question of how the junior senator from
Massachusetts would rate as a stand-up comedian has fallen by the
wayside. Or it had until an enterprising Associated Press reporter
filed a recent wire story on the vitality and health of John
Kerry’s funny bone.
“Not only is the sometimes aloof senator from Massachusetts
dropping an occasional laugh-line into his stump speech, his
audiences are chuckling,” the AP reports. “Even while speaking on
the very serious topic of Iraq last week at New York University,
Kerry made the audience laugh six times at President Bush’s
expense.”
Wow. Six times?! In the course of a typical Kerry
speech, what does that translate to? A laugh every half-hour or so?
It takes a gifted man to find a treasure trove of comedy in Iraq
today.
Once again, the AP is ahead of the pack with this scoop. Kerry
has kept his sense of humor hidden well from the prying eyes of the
public and the media. His debate performance last week was not
funny, especially if George W. Bush’s facial expressions are
reliable indicators. Personally, after covering dozens of Kerry
speeches, I cannot relay anything he said or did that was
(intentionally) funny. I suppose, like Dan Rather with those faulty
memos, I must be guilty of not asking the right questions.
ACCORDING TO THIS HARD-HITTING report by America’s premier news
service, Kerry is able to tease out the most “guffaws” when he
mocks Bush administration positions “in a tone” that suggests they
are “the height of ridiculousness.” Take, for example, this funny
— but clearly erudite and prescient — criticism of Bush’s
economic policies that the AP reports had folks rolling in the
aisles:
“You’re going to hear all this talk, ‘Oh, we’ve turned the
corner, we’re doing better, blah, blah.’” Kerry said. “You know,
blah and blah and blah.”
“Kerry used an idiom likely to be heard among teenagers in a
shopping mall, but not on the Senate floor,” the AP gushed.
I’ll pause for a moment while readers at home and work catch
their breath. I know how presidential candidates using teenage
idioms can reduce even the most stoic among us to teary-eyed,
giggling lumps on the floor. Ready for more?
Later Kerry had the audience in stitches, according to the AP,
when he sarcastically asked of President Bush’s contention that
invading Iraq was the right thing to do, “How can he be
serious?”
“Kerry isn’t just using the lingo of the younger generation,”
the AP reports. “He’s thrown in a couple of old-fashioned folksy
phrases, too. ‘Heavens to Betsy,’ he said earlier this month when
remarking on Republicans’ failure to reinstate the assault weapons
ban. ‘You bet your boots I know what I’m talking about,’ Kerry said
when promising to be more fiscally responsible than Bush.”
Kerry also cracked up Wisconsin voters by suggesting that “they
shouldn’t be wary of changing horses midstream when the horse is
drowning.” What is the deal with this guy and dying animals? Every
time his poll numbers fall he’s out there with a shotgun blasting
at some poor creature or another, as if shooting quail proves his
boast that as president he “will hunt down and kill the terrorists,
wherever they are.” His daughters tell that bizarre story about the
time Kerry performed chest compressions on their hamster after it
fell in the lake to bring it back to life, but his record seems to
suggest something more nefarious was going on. I certainly wouldn’t
send my gerbils to spend the weekend at a Heinz mansion.
The punch line to the “drowning horse” bit gave a nod to Kerry’s
five-inch height advantage over Bush.
“May I also suggest that we need a taller horse?” he said. “You
can get through deeper waters that way.”
My five-foot-one-inch wife has confirmed my suspicion that this
was an overtly sizeist remark. Without an immediate apology to my
newly formed PAC, “Wee People for Big People Rights,” Kerry may
lose yet another of the crucial women’s vote. Bigotry isn’t funny,
Senator.
WITH ALL THIS JOKING you might be tempted to think the man who
Democrats hope will be our next Stand-Up in Chief might be
satisfied, and turn to, say, domestic affairs or foreign policy.
But apparently he’s been bitten by that old performer’s bug, and
the AP continues to document every riveting moment.
“He drew guffaws” — okay, maybe I’m being too critical here,
but is it at all possible the AP is engaging in some guffaw
inflation? Just how often do people guffaw? And isn’t that a
terrible word only used in the first place to allow the vanguard of
the revolution (e.g. John Kerry, AP reporters) feel superior to
ordinary folks who say “laughed hard” instead? Anyway, back to your
regularly schedule program:
“He drew guffaws at Temple University last Friday when he
criticized Bush for dragging his feet before appearing before the
September 11 commission ‘but only with Vice President Cheney at his
side,’” the AP reports. “And he told late-night host David
Letterman last week that Bush only agreed to debate if he could sit
on Cheney’s lap.”
Perhaps this kind of petty sniping from a candidate is better
than John Edwards’ contention that “if you live in the United
States of America and you vote for George Bush, you’ve lost your
mind,” but only marginally so. Is this the new paradigm of American
politics? If so, I suppose we could add a fourth presidential
debate where the candidates just diss one another and tell “yo
momma” jokes for points. Eminem’s got a new record coming out.
Maybe he’d be willing to moderate. After all, Jim Lehrer didn’t
give either Kerry or Bush a chance to tell a knock-knock joke, or
use a limerick. (Perhaps Kerry is opposed to limericks now that
he’s no longer Irish.)
At any rate, we should all salute the Associated Press for
bringing humor issues to the fore. Up until I came across this
story yesterday, I thought Fox News’ Carl Cameron was the only
reporter who appreciated a good ribbing.
