Enemy Central regrets to announce that it’s back. And that we
misled you. All summer, whenever anyone asked, we’d say, we’re on
hiatus, or on vacation, or raising money on behalf of
McCain-Feingold. It wasn’t quite that way. We were actually on
foreign assignment, looking for a friendly country that might prove
willing to give asylum to one Dan Rather.
What a magical mystery tour it proved to be. We visited dream
spots, the kind that don’t remind anyone of Travis County. There
were Shangri-La and Camelot, which only anti-JFK partisans would
ridicule. Dan would love them. True, the former’s elevation could
prove a challenge to his blood pressure frequency. As for the
former, it appears Al Gore has already ruled there. “A law was made
a distant moon ago here/July and August cannot be too hot/And
there’s a legal limit to the snow here/In Camelot.” Though perhaps
nothing captured the poetic possibilities of the place than the
verse, “The rain may never fall ‘till after sundown/By eight the
morning fog must disappear. In short, there’s simply not a more
congenial spot/For happily-ever-aftering than here in Camelot.” If
Dan can bring Mary Mapes along, we’ll know soon enough if
happily-ever-aftering retains its endless possibilities.
Naturally, not all of our constituents sympathize with our
preference for exile in a mythic setting. They want something
closer to home, such as the spots offered for a time to the late
former Shah of Iran (Panama) or the Democrats’ honorary necklacer,
the no longer restored president of Haiti, Jean-Bertrand Aristide
(Jamaica). If Dan must stand the heat, why not go all the way and
have him move in as Max Cleland’s prairie dog at the Kerry Embassy
outside Crawford, Texas?
Another idyll remains in the offing. On February 24, 2003, Dan
auditioned with Saddam Hussein. He even asked him for tips that he
now hopes to put to good use. (“Mr. President, have you been
offered asylum anywhere? And would you, under any circumstances,
consider going into exile to save your people death and
destruction?”). Naturally, Dan’s chances of landing in Iraq will
improve if Mr. President is restored. Clearly, no disrespect
intended, the chemistry between the two was of WMD quality. (“Male
Voice: Are you satisfied with translation? Rather: Yes, no, the
translation is excellent. It’s superb.”) All along, Dan knew his
place: “What do you consider to be the core issues [Mr. President]?
You said that I had started — and indeed, I started with the news
of the day. But what do you consider to be the core issue, the
basic issue?”
We will miss Dan, core and all. Heck, we will miss CBS, Edward
R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite, Eric Sevareid, Roger Mudd, Lesley
Stahl, Ed Bradley, Morley Safer — have we forgotten anyone? Sally
Quinn? It was probably the finest network ever hatched in integrity
and discarded in ignominy. It’s only fitting. Those of us who
didn’t live in D.C. at the time always knew it was CBS’s Cronkite
News that did in Nixon, not some cub reporters at a local
Washington paper. That’s the way it was. The scales of justice take
some time to regain balance. Thirty some years after committing
treason J.F. Kerry was paid back, with compounded interest, this
August. California strongman Arnold Schwarzenegger meanwhile
rehabilitated Richard Nixon during the GOP convention. Now with CBS
disgraced the Nixon Restoration Project can proceed full speed
ahead. Dan might end up wishing Nixon were still in Cambodia, in
case no one else will have him. As it is, Dan has claimed to be
part of something bigger.
He has two final options. Mike Wallace, we’ve learned, requires
the services of someone who will protect him against N.Y. taxi and
limousine cops while doubling as a limo-driver. Last, in more ways
than one, is J.F. Kerry himself. Ringling Bros. doesn’t operate
under such a big tent. By all accounts, the Kerry campaign is led
by the most diverse and numerous cohort since the founding of the
United Nations. There’s always room, in other words, for still
another communications jackass.
Word on the street is that Kerry is more comfortable running
from behind. It’s safe to say he’s finally in his comfort zone, as
he falls ever farther back. In Florida they’ve already lost count
how many times he’s been lapped. But never fear. No matter how much
he fades, Dan Rather will anchor his operations with scoop after
scoop and other breaking news. And once word gets out that Dan is
Enemy Central’s Enemy winner, he’ll rush to meet with him in Paris,
where both will immediately be granted asylum.
