Did it have to end? Couldn’t the Democratic National Convention
have remained in permanent session? Then it would be true that we
had died and gone to heaven, where day after day so many nice
people sit and cheer while others stand and speak in an angelic
display of humanity at its finest and most caring. Gosh, we had a
good time.
Everyone was brave. To pick a random example, let us focus on
Iowa first lady Christie Vilsack (not to be confused with Christie
Brinkley, who charmed Democrats and Wolf Blitzer at the 2000 Los
Angeles convention). She spoke movingly of her parents, who came
from Iowa and Missouri. “Children of the Depression,” she called
them. But on top of that, they were “survivors of a world war.”
Yikes. We didn’t know that Hitler and Tojo brought WWII to the
Midwest. Elizabeth Edwards mentioned her father fought in that war,
just like John Kerry fought in Vietnam (though odds are dad didn’t
come home when the band-aids ran out). One could only conclude from
her remarks that maybe John Edwards is not the man in her life to
be serving on the Democratic ticket. To be sure, no one questions
Johnny’s willingness to serve in uniform, provided his lovely hair
won’t have to be shorn.
Alexandra Kerry delivered a line worthy of Mae West apropos her
father, when she noted that with hair he measures a neat 6’6”. But
it was her sister’s hamster that stole the show. It had sampled
first hand the Kerry clan’s compassion. “We watched as Licorice,
the unlucky hamster, bubbled down to a watery doom.” (Teddy Kennedy
swallowed a canary when he heard that.) Fortunately or not, Father
John came to the rescue and via CPR extended the “soggy” hamster’s
life. Opinions are mixed whether extraordinary means should have
been used. “He was never quite right after that,” Ali (as dad calls
her) said, without clarifying whether “he” in this case meant John
or Licorice.
For some sexist reason the Kerry girls received all the
attention, even though the Kerry stepsons are worth a lot more
money and groomed to remind everyone of their superior situation.
Some contend they resemble the late JFK Jr., or the scions of
Middle East opulence residing in the vicinity of Rodeo Drive. Best
of all, one of them even sports a French name, Andre, despite
having no blood ties to the authentically French side of the Kerry
famille. Only in America.
Or only in Democratic America, whose convention showcased the
Two Americas living happily side by side. Or to be more precise, in
Masterpiece Theatre harmony, as in “Upstairs, Downstairs,” the
lower rungs made up of the “average” Americans President-Select
Kerry has agreed to tolerate, the upper comprising denizens of the
corporate boxes. Anyone who was anyone, e.g., Hillary, Affleck,
Spielberg, spent their time looking down on the proceedings. Anyone
who was no one spent his time being looked down on. Welcome to the
Kerry social contract.
But wasn’t the entertainment great? True, Toby Keith might have
provided greater diversity, but Willie Nelson was the next best
thing. (His “Crazy” remains a Country-Western classic.) Willie’s
braids have never been thicker and better woven; for all we know,
he’s the squaw of one of the many Indian chiefs who delivered
messages to the convention. But our favorite of faves was Ms.
Carole King, who performed her moving song, “You’ve Got a Friend.”
She was an inspired perfect choice for a Kerry event.
Some years ago, “Saturday Night Live” did a sendup of Ms. King
and that song’s claims. Inside a house, on a dark lonely night, an
SNL regular played Ms. King, fondly singing the song aloud to
herself in her living room. Out on the sidewalk, meanwhile, a
passerby (probably played by Garrett Morris) gets mugged and
knifed. He crawls to her front door, begging for help. She comes
over to the front window to see what’s disturbing her song to
herself. On noticing this bit of desperate humanity, she pulls down
the blinds and turns off the porch light. On his last night on this
earth, the Morris character turned out not to have a friend in
King.
Will Enemy Central turn out to have a friend in Kerry. Better,
he should ask, will he have a friend in us? If it turns out he
does, will that mean this week marks the last time this
Bush-stabber, Moore-echoer, and ravenous power-seeker can be our
honorary Enemy of the Week?
