By Enemy Central on 2.13.04 @ 6:40PM
John Kerry invokes his Democratic skin privilege.
Art Garfunkel made some noise this week, paying a stiff fine for
his recent marijuana use, but otherwise all we could detect were
the Sounds of Silence. On Thursday the biggest story since the last
time the Red Sox won a World Series hit the Internet. Everyone who
is anyone, which domestically alone means some 250 million
Americanos, quickly learned about its substance. Everyone
immediately knew what the story meant. Yet on Thursday evening and
Friday morning not a word about it penetrated the Evening News and
the next day papers.
Even on his fabled web Media Notes, Washington Post
media reporter Howard Kurtz, who has given new meaning to
comprehensive daily coverage, ignored the big story, thus erasing
it from history. So, on the day when the only question to raise
was, "Is Kerry kaput?" Kurtz began his Friday column with, "Could George Bush lose?"
(Tell us, Howie, when did you first become an editorial writer?) To
compound his cowardice he even resuscitated Arianna, who's been
pondering the Kerry "style" -- in this case how it falls short of
Howie Dean's, not Bill Clinton's. Has ever a media culture produced
a sicklier collection of contemptibles?
It figures that the Kerry connection has fled to Kenya, all so
that life might yet against imitate what passes for art. Some years
ago in the movie White Mischief the drop-dead Gretta
Scacchi portrayed a former London intern dividing her amorous time
between two John Kerry's lording it over colonial Kenya while their
country was at war. Their names alone suggest a Kerry family tie:
Sir Jock Delves Broughton and Josslyn Hay, Earl of Erroll. In due
course they all made war on Mozambique, from which Sir John Kerry
carried away his ostensible wife, Lady Teresa, as booty he's never
known what to do with since. How did she ever clear U.S.
Customs?
Some might think it's all in a day's work. For instance, it's
widely known that the current executive editor of the New York
Times is married to a former flame of Kerry's. Big John
reportedly dated Patti Davis, a moderate Reagan Republican. He was
close to TV soap opera stars. The scary thing is that someone might
link him to Arianna herself.
Which is not to say that some good might not come from the
recent turbulence. Hot debates are underway concerning the ideal
Kerry running mate. Thanks to the Kenya cutie, the road to a
suitable partner has been cleared. Among the finalists and their
advantages:
Ms. Gennifer Flowers: Brings a wealth of hands-on experience. An
intimate of the greatest Democrat presidential hunk since Michael
Dukakis, whom Kerry served as lieutenant governor, she survived
unprecedented media scrutiny, deflected attention from the man in
the hot seat, and emerged on good terms with the New York
Times in recent weeks, after more than a dozen years on its
blacklist.
Ms. Monica Lewinsky: Provides great name recognition, a
subservience that reminds Democrat old-timers of Hubert Humphrey's
happy service to Lyndon Johnson, and solid bureaucratic command of
White House, Pentagon and United Nations operations. Especially
admired overseas if widely feared in the Middle East.
Ms. Jane Fonda: Would bring ideal balance to the ticket, her
North Vietnam travels matching Kerry's knowledge of South Vietnam.
Could rally remnants of the Chicago 7 to Kerry's side and is known
as the fiercest of loyalists. No longer beholden to Ted Turner, Tom
Hayden, and Roger Vadim.
Ms. Juanita Broaddrick. A controversial choice, but a necessary
one if the Kerry strategy of running against the George W. Bush of
1972 is to win broad-based support. Herself a victim of the notion
of old news, Ms. Broaddrick would legitimize Kerry's commitment to
timelessness and gentlemanly ideals.
Ms. Paula Jones: But only if winning a Southern state proves
necessary and James Carville hasn't run out of $100 bills.
Among the losers: loose-lipped Wesley Clark, the one-time
imploder of Kosovo who has now imploded one too-many times; Richard
Gephardt, who is rumored to respect women; and the biggest cutie of
them all, John Edwards -- an unfortunate victim of namism. A
two-John ticket will never wash with the American voter. Kerry
needs no reminders that Jane Fonda's nickname for him is Klute.
We won't call him that. Just the usual EOW, which he'll mistake
for Erotica of the Week. Close, but no cigar.
topics:
Bill Clinton, United Nations
