It’s over. He’s over. All it took was one Democratic primary in
the least ethnically diverse and most sparsely populated state this
side of Lapland. The numbers said it all: Kerry 38%, Dean 26%,
Clark, Edwards, Lieberman, tied at 12, 12, and 9 percent,
respectively, Kucinich 1.000000%, Sharpton +0% — and, dead last
and most least, G.W. Bush at a minus minus -00.0000000%.
For the first time in recorded history, the real loser in a
Democratic primary was an incumbent president from the opposing
party. It’s never happened before (though that the media didn’t
convey). But such is Mr. Bush’s unpopularity wherever every vote is
made to count. So at sea is he that he didn’t dare show up in New
Hampshire until the day after the primary, hoping that his request
for a recount might be heeded. His request was ignored.
Instead, the Democrats moved on to Greenville, South Carolina,
where every single one of them soundly defeated Mr. Bush in the
latest of their debates. So impressive were the Democratic men that
Bush was not allowed to get a word in edgewise, or even to show his
face on the stage. Again the verdict was unanimous. Dems have
electability. He does not. He has loseability.
Less generous souls say Gore guy Howie Dean has it too. How
unfair. Okay, so he gave his speech on N.H. primary night without
the presence of his wife (now named Judith, not Dr. Judy) in any
visible form. But who do you think sedated him ahead of time? So
his campaign is broke, his workers unpaid, his top guy fired. But
which president’s economic model do you think he was emulating in
order to show it doesn’t work? So he’s hired the most expensive
campaign manager money can buy. But you imagined Gore’s Neel came
cheap? Next time, please do endeavor to retain controlling legal
authority over your political smarts.
We marvel at John Edwards’ ability to live up to expectations.
After winning Iowa (at least according to Bush hater Andy
Sullivan), Edwards became the Baskin-Robbins of New Hampshire,
cornering the market on all 31 flavors of the month. David Brooks
kept tossing in sprinkles, whipped cream, and a cherry. But then
the weather turned ultra-blue and no one was in the mood for
ice-cream, not even when Edwards provided the hot fudge. Thus he
ended up a conehead, out of the money, without delegates, a trial
lawyer on the losing side, if anyone can imagine that. Now his only
hope is that the Democratic ticket will have room for two
Johns.
It’s a new role for John Kerry, to serve as both judge and jury.
Everyone’s saying he’s the new Dole, as if Botox and Viagra were
interchangeable. In 1996 Dole selected Jack Kemp as his temporary
mate, which was fine with everyone from Liddy Dole to the
neoconservative wing. But before Kerry can select Edwards (not a
bald spot between them), he’ll first have to clear it with Lady
Hillary, who is unlikely to cooperate. All pressure will be on her
to grab the #2 spot for herself. Can you imagine, a Kerry-Hillary
presidency? Who’d be the actual chief executive? Commander in
chief? Head of the first family? That is, after we make appropriate
allowances for Teresa Heinz’s leading role. If all goes well, this
time we’ll get three for the price of one. It’ll be like a Roman
triumvirate, with a little gender balance thrown in.
Overseas the BBC is no longer a WMD. Over here, James Brown is
looking like Saddam’s hole-mate. Otherwise all is calm. Our
versions of the BBC remain on the hunt for Bush and his resistance
forces. Independent investigations are in order to determine if
there was Intelligence life on the planet America during the Mars
presidency. Chuck Hagel likes the idea. John McCain does too. Ditto
Carl Levin. You know how it goes. And what’s John Kerry, the new
leader of the free world, got to say about it? He detects a clear
and immediate danger, in the form of Republican “attack dogs.” Who
unleashed him? Well, time for an EOW rabies shot. Ouch, it’s
hurting us a lot more than it’s hurting him.
