CONCORD — A man in a fuzzy gray American flag parka stood in
front of the bright television camera lights, squinting into the
glare, and announced his intention to become the next president of
the United States. His two elementary school age children, or his
“staffers” as he called them, passed out copies of his
self-published plan to fix America.
Tipping his cowboy hat to the crowd and media gathered before
him, Robert Haines began his speech, “Many of these essays were
written while I was incarcerated.” Over the next three minutes, the
recently paroled Haines described himself as a “renaissance man,”
invited everyone to Pennsylvania, and explained that his education
plan was written entirely by his wife but that he “agree[d] with
most of it.” A buzzer rang. His time was up. Recognizing his speech
was a bit light on issues, Haines said his full agenda was laid out
in his book. “I’ll gladly photocopy it for you,” he added.
So began a series of speeches by 17 so-called minor candidates
at the Tuck Library, just a hop, skip and a jump from the State
House in Concord. Anyone with $1,000 and a dream can get on the
ballot in New Hampshire. All told, 14 Republicans and 23 Democrats
have answered that call. It might come as a surprise to some that
there are candidates more “minor” than Carol Moseley Braun or
weirder than Dennis Kucinich, but the Tuck Library forum made the
case quite well.
Harry Braun, an energy analyst and candidate for the Democratic
nomination, promises to make America energy independent within five
years by building giant “wind ships.” These floating wind power
stations spread across the ocean will have the added benefit of
blocking nasty corporate fishermen from “murdering” the ocean.
Braun’s message was, however, ultimately hopeful. “It’s 11:59 for
spaceship earth. We need to move at warp speed to save what’s
left.” Aye, Aye, Captain.
BRAUN WASN’T THE ONLY candidate with his mind on the stars.
Democrat Fern Penna promised a colony on Mars by his second term.
He also explained that the only reason Howie Dean was the
Democratic frontrunner and not he was that “I refuse to
pay off the DNC.” His analysis was somewhat dour: “Our economy is a
disaster. If you think this country isn’t being eaten alive by a
cancer, you’re fooling yourself.”
Democrat Ed O’Donnell managed to strike a position far enough to
the left to make Ralph Nader sound like Pat Buchanan. Included in
his plan: No guns in America, “period,” mental health workers in
every high school, a four-day work week, “living wage” jobs, ending
obesity, and, finally, a “foreign policy that feeds and clothes
every Third World country.”
There was star power, too, however, as Lyndon LaRouche showed up
with his entourage. I’ve never quite understood how a cranky old
man who speaks almost exclusively about the minutiae of economic
policy has been able to attract such a rabid following among dirty,
mad-at-their-dad hippies. LaRouche, on his eighth bid for the White
House, gave one of his signature humble speeches. “Now is the time
of reckoning,” he said. “Those people who have made the mistake of
not voting for me in the past are now paying the price for it.”
On and on they came. Some, like Republican John Buchanan (“No
relation to James or Pat”), were running to demand Bush tell “what
he knew and when he knew it” about September 11. Vice-presidential
candidate Flora Bleckner, wearing dark glasses and red gloves,
wanted to get Cheney out of office so he wouldn’t force Bush into
any more bad ideas (“like Iraq”). Republican Millie Howard wants to
abolish the IRS and give every American citizen a
“birthright stipend” of $833 a month. “It’s time to throw off this
government and create one for the people,” she shouted.
Others were less crazy and painfully sincere, like Democrat
Willie Felix Carter, a retired Air Force officer and man of faith,
who was running simply to acknowledge that God was “another partner
in this country’s freedom.” Or Republican Blake Ashby, a young
Republican horrified at the lack of “prudence and caution” in
President Bush’s bread-and-circus-like fiscal policy. Or Catherine
Bateman, running as the Teen Voice 2004 candidate. Teens across the
country vote on which issues matter most to them online and Bateman
wants to represent those issues in the election.
In the middle of the event, a New Hampshire state legislator
gave me his own analysis of the situation. “After seeing all of
these characters, I feel like I should be running for
president.”
Perhaps the most honest speech of the day was given by Democrat
Robert Linnell, an 81-year-old World War II veteran. “Don’t vote
for me,” he said. “I’m going to lose, and you’d be wasting your
vote. I just want the chance to be heard.”
