SAN FRANCISCO — Most of the country probably couldn’t care less
about this city’s mayoral race. Quite frankly, the issues at stake
don’t play in Peoria. Most who live even a few miles outside of
this city tend to write off the local political scrapes as little
more than quirky high-stakes theater. In fact, I suspect more than
a few among the Spectator’s loyal readership wouldn’t mind
if this entire bumpy blob of colorful humanity, progressive
politics, and renovated Victorian mansions abruptly tumbled down
the rough-hewn side of the continent, and sunk noisily to the
bottom of the Pacific Ocean.
For now, a sizable portion of America might think this place
pretty (aside from the homeless sprawled along my block), full of
delicious ethnic eateries, and, on the whole, pleasant to visit,
but as far as the political climate is concerned, it could easily
resemble a different planet altogether — possibly an
inconsequential one. Yet, as a relative stranger to the attitudes
and habits of these parts myself, I am aware that, in this contest,
the citizens of San Francisco are embroiled in a compelling
electoral dilemma that stretches well beyond the trappings of
everyday political intrigue.
Let’s take it from the top: Before the general election on
November 4, there were four major candidates. Golden boy
front-runner Gavin Newsom, a business-friendly moderate in the
glitzy Willie Brown vein, was at the top of many tickets from the
outset. Trial lawyer Angela Alioto, the liberal Dem spawn of an
old, historically political Frisco family, promised to be a fiery
challenger, as did veteran Supervisor Tom Ammiano, a gay education
activist/stand-up comic. Finally, local Green Party sensation Matt
Gonzalez, a former public defender and the current President of the
City’s Board of Supervisors, arrived late to round out the
ballot.
Once the dust kicked up by this motley crew of Bay Area bleeding
hearts settled a month ago, Newsom emerged on top. However, since
the well-heeled preppie only garnered 41 percent of the vote, he’s
been forced into a December 9 run-off election against
Gonzalez. That’s right, in a bit of a shocker, the
bohemian wunderkind leapfrogged past his stodgier liberal comrades
on the strength of a hard-hitting campaign aimed largely at the
controversial “Care Not Cash” program for the homeless championed
by Brown’s khaki-clad heir apparent.
In the days following the initial election, Ammiano quickly
crossed party lines to endorse Gonzalez, a noble gesture to benefit
a man who had greedily snatched a healthy portion of his
once-devoted voting base. On the other hand, in a move that irked
some of her biggest fans and deeply pleased leaders, Alioto
betrayed her infamous vow never to back Newsom by publicly pledging
her support in exchange for a prime post in his administration.
NOW THAT THE FIELD HAS NARROWED, the run-off election campaigning
is getting nasty. Sprightly Gavin, ominously dubbed “Gruesome
Newsom” by detractors, a bright, 36-year-old wine and restaurant
impresario with overwhelming Financial District support and
oft-noted ties to Gordon Getty, is certainly happiest attending to
landowner interests and trying to crop monetary compensation for
the homeless. His supporters see him as the serious, pragmatic
candidate, capable of crafting tough yet compassionate solutions to
San Francisco’s varied epidemics, and his opponent, the earnest and
cheeky Gonzalez, as the doggedly out-of-touch dreamer barely worthy
of his tired hipster pretensions. Of course, Gonzalez and his crew
see things differently. In their eyes, Newsom is a slick,
opportunistic square boasting the absurd luck and perfect
connections to forge only a corrupt continuation of the Brown
dynasty, not a fresh plan to revitalize this city.
Around here, the public is as polarized as it can get, and it is
a commonly held belief that the future of San Francisco politics
may hang precariously on the results of this election. An affable
centrist is pitted against an uncompromising idealist, and at stake
is a proud town’s identity.
A number of Democratic statesmen near and far have realized a
Green mayor would carve into their power base, and have been
eagerly weighing in. In a creepy effort to ensure his well-coiffed
pal the nod, Willie Brown, who has a history of smothering his
friends’ competitors in groundless charges, has cheerfully accused
Gonzalez, a Latino, of bigotry towards African-Americans. In
addition, heavyweight Dem Al Gore recently flew in to backslap
young Newsom who, come to think of it, could readily pass for a
slimmer, chattier, and (thankfully) beardless incarnation of the
former Vice President.
As far as local political contests go, this has been a marathon
in the making, with a photo finish yet to come. But beneath San
Fran tug-of-war between wealthy urban Democrats and their
rebellious Green Party step-children is a much more interesting
conflict. For many voters, the crux of this mayoral contest rests
not on the city’s warped conception of the traditional
conservative-liberal paradigm, but on their pure, unadulterated sex
appeal.
The weeklies were first to ask: Gavin or Matt — who’s cuter?
Which one do you want to date? Who’d you rather make out with? Rest
assured, rather than see our mayoral candidates reduced to teen
magazine pin-ups and the electorate to bubbly ninnies, many of us
would be much happier to share six-packs instead. Still, it’s easy
to see how these guys are attracting supporters (surely both male
and female) with such vastly different hankerings.
Unlike Newsom, who favors crisp suits and slicked-back locks,
Gonzalez, a former high school football star, sports the rumpled
earth tones and shaggy sideburns of a college philosophy professor.
Presumably single, he prefers to live with roommates, plays the
bass guitar, and moonlights on occasion as a literary critic. In
contrast, Newsom lives with his glamorous wife, once a lingerie
model (now an attorney), in a mansion located in one of San Fran’s
toniest districts. Of course, Newsom may carry San Francisco’s
venture capitalists in his pressed pocket, but Gonzalez enjoys
hipster credibility and the right to kick back at neighborhood pubs
with such local luminaries as poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti and rock
musician Jonathon Richman.
Being generally lascivious, San Franciscans are hopelessly
fixated on this debate. On Craigslist, an immensely popular Bay
Area-based website, posters passionately wage war in lower case on
the merits of each candidate’s physique, sense of style, and
perceived level of sophistication. Some posts approach the obscene,
but much of the commentary is quotable. One woman prefers Matt’s
“gorgeously moppy haircut” to Gavin’s “chiseled mug” while another
defends her favorite Dem as “a hottie” and dismisses Matt as
“gross…not at all attractive and so sloppy looking.” Those
who admire Gonzalez’s “sexy voice” and “pretty large hands” might
agree that “Newsom looks like a waxen Baptist preacher,” but for
others, hygiene is the paramount issue. “Matt Gonzalez
stinks…[My friend] was in the same room with him once and
[he] did smell really bad,” harps one poster, who wonders “if he
stinks, then what’s his view on stinky homeless people who
[defecate] in doorways?”
All poor taste aside, the impulse to obsessively dissect the
looks of the two candidates has quickly trickled up to the pages of
major area newspapers. On December 3, the Chronicle ran a
spirited “Queer Eye for the Straight Candidate” spoof in which a
parade of sassy stylists offered up ways each contender could
improve his physical appearance. “Only 40-year-old men who
cyber-date girls named Vega part their hair down the middle,”
quipped one in reference to Newsom’s oily hairdo. Another advised
Gonzalez to shop Banana Republic as “the brand says, ‘I’m stylish,
I’m modern, I’m accessible and I’m smart with cash.’”
On Tuesday, we’ll find out if Gonzalez’s understated fiscal
conservatism manages to sway voters wary of Newsom’s expensive
“best practices” habit. Until then, shouldn’t everyone stay focused
on what’s truly important? Instead of organizing all those dull
rallies and cloying benefit concerts, people should get involved by
hosting slumber parties, drawing little pink hearts on folders,
and, most importantly, passing around flirty notes in class. Just
check the first box to pick Gavin, the second box if you like Matt,
or the last if you’re hopelessly unable to decide.
