Women will do anything to get married. At least that is the
impression one gets watching television lately. The media have
eaten up the story of Psychology Today West coast editor
Robert Epstein. Epstein believes that just about any two people can
fall in love and make it last, given the right tools. (Therapy, of
course.) To prove it, he decided to test the theory — on himself.
He searched for a willing participant to sign a “Love Contract”
with him. The two would agree to date exclusively for six months to
a year, attend counseling, and attempt to fall in love.
Epstein is a Harvard-educated professor. But he is also 49 years
old, divorced with four children, and not exactly Russell Crowe. So
why did he receive letters from thousands of women eager to
participate? Even a swimsuit model and an ESPN announcer were
interested. One woman sent him a plane ticket to her private island
off St. Thomas.
This is not an isolated case. Last month, The Early
Show weatherman Dave Price had a date with a woman he barely
knew. Thousands of women vied for this opportunity, too. As have
thousands more to give up their dignity on national television on
reality shows like The Bachelor and Married by
America.
By no means are these all unattractive, unintelligent women.
Some are successful lawyers, consultants, and writers. So why are
they desperate to find husbands? To the point where they are
willing to start relationships with men they’ve never even met?
I understand some of the anxiety. I’m unmarried and just days
away from the birthday that will put me over the median age of
matrimony for American women. No matter how ambitious or
self-sufficient a woman is, she can’t escape biology. Once a girl
approaches 30, she starts seeing married people everywhere —
particularly elderly couples, holding hands, looking very content.
A happy ending in books and movies usually involves at least the
possibility of marriage.
Epstein understands this cultural imperative. “Hollywood tells
us that the One is out there for everyone, so no one is willing to
settle for Mr. or Ms. Two-Thirds,” he writes in Psychology Today. “We want
our relationships to be like our antidepressants — perfect and
effortless — and if they don’t look as perfect today as they did
yesterday, unskilled and gutless, we abandon them.”
There is much wisdom in those lines. And it is certainly one
reason why so many women are still looking. But should they be
looking quite so hard? Epstein, in a Q&A in his magazine, reflects on the notion
that you don’t choose love, love chooses you, and finds it
“ridiculous and depressing. I’m much too much of an optimist to
leave any form of happiness entirely to chance.”
But, in fact, he did. Despite receiving thousands of offers, the
woman he chose for his project was one he met by chance on an
airplane, a beautiful Venezuelan socialite. Perhaps Epstein finally
learned what every woman should know — that love comes only when
you aren’t looking for it.
Many women don’t feel that way now. The 48 Hours Investigates episode that
featured Epstein also carried a segment on bizarre new dating
rituals, like speed dating and dinner in the dark. Women are even
hiring dating coaches to help them land a mate. Having passed over
several perfectly eligible prospects, these aging women are
starting to worry they will die alone.
It’s not entirely their fault. A few generations ago, women
didn’t have to pursue prospects. A girl’s family, for example,
would be eager to introduce respectable young men. Communities have
become much less tight-knit, and one of the results is that it is
harder for young people to find each other. And once they do?
Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. People are finally
becoming fed up with this state of affairs and want to know how to
make relationships work. But the latest dating fads are not likely
to fix things.
Why not reconsider the old models of courtship? Women could
strengthen their ties to friends and family. They might eschew the
Hollywood myth that tells them to wait for perfection rather than
work towards happiness. Couples are told to live together first and
spend years figuring out if they are truly compatible. Yet people
are not willing to put any real effort into relationships; the easy
divorce culture has taught us to run at the first sign of trouble.
Such attitudes breed a cavalier attitude towards commitment, which
women are increasingly coming to lament as they reach the big Three
Oh.
By effort, I do not recommend the intense counseling that
Epstein advocates. We have had John Gray and Dr. Phil for years
now, with no discernible change for the better. Advocating therapy
merely urges reveling in process rather than being at peace with an
end result. It also falsely implies that some marital discord is
unnatural.
“The biggest myth of all about love is that it can’t be studied
or understood scientifically,” Epstein bizarrely asserts. Not very romantic, is
it?
The Venezuelan socialite didn’t think so — she abandoned the
project after two months just for that reason. (Epstein plans to
try again with someone else.) You might not think so from these sad
trends in dating, but if female longing for a knight in shining
armor in the post-feminist age is any indication, women are still
hopeless romantics.
