With magician David Blaine having ended his stunt in London,
going 44 days without any sustenance, political observers turned
their attention to an ongoing and potentially more dangerous
venture as the Democratic candidates for president vowed once again
to reach their goal of campaigning for 544 days without the
slightest bit of substance.
The candidates continue to claim that they’ve taken adequate
steps for this marathon bout of intellectual starvation, having
bulked up on a diet of leftist clichés, cheap shots at
Attorney General John Ashcroft and reflexive opposition to
President Bush’s policies, but experts point out that this type of
thin gruel can provide only empty calories at best. As the
Democrats have stopped chewing over ideas and become increasingly
lightweight as a result, teams of spin doctors have taken to
closely monitoring both their conditions and their positions. The
doctors say the 18-month fast, from summer 2003 to Election Day
2004, should have no lasting negative effects on the body politic
but still, the doubts remain.
The lack of substance seems to have affected the mental acuity
of more than a few of the candidates. Observers say only
intellectual-starvation-induced delirium can explain Senator John
Kerry voting against the $87 billion appropriation for military and
reconstruction efforts in Iraq after voting for the war in the
first place or denouncing the Patriot Act, once again, after voting
for it. Fearing possible dehydration, Kerry’s aides moved swiftly
to increase his daily intake of Perrier and Evian.
Former Vermont governor Howard Dean became the first to show the
effects of decreased concentration over the last few months,
groggily insisting that “it’s not our place to take sides” between
Israel and the Palestinians, that he “supposed” the ouster of
Saddam Hussein was a good thing and that most middle-income people
got no more than one hundred dollars from the Bush tax cuts.
Immediately after these outbursts, Dean wrapped himself in several
thick blankets to stop the loss of any more political heat.
Even newcomer General Wesley Clark has had delusions of grandeur
during the prolonged stunt, saying he imagined that at one time
he’d voted for Ronald Reagan and announcing as a Democratic
candidate before even registering as a Democrat. And, in light of
Clark’s ever-shifting positions on Iraq, rumors are rife that aides
have violated the rules and surreptitiously taken to feeding him
his talking points intravenously.
Needless to say, the venue in which the candidates have
undertaken their stunt has proven less than ideal. They remain
encased in a square plastic container which, as one wag put it,
symbolizes their inability to think outside the box. Positioning
themselves far above the average voter in the nation’s public
square has only served to attract troublemakers who, in one
instance, commenced to cook several meaty issues beneath the
Democrats. The mouth-watering aroma of this political red meat,
such as what ideas they might have for dealing with Iran’s and
North Korea’s nuclear weapons programs and terrorist-sponsoring
nations in general and what they would do differently in post-war
Iraq and Afghanistan, must have been extremely tempting for the
substance-eschewing candidates who, in the end, steadfastly refused
to digest the topics at hand.
Of course, this isn’t the first time the Democrats have wagered
everything on a high-stakes political stunt more suited to a
media-hungry performer. Recall President Clinton balancing himself
high atop a series of polls for eight years or when Vice President
Al Gore, during the 2000 campaign, was frozen and immobilized
within traditional Democratic voting blocs of ice.
However, the final word on the subject may have come from the
average citizen who confronted Senator John Edwards on the campaign
trail recently. Taking the form of a classic comedy routine, the
Senator was heard to plead, “My party is starving for ideas and
hasn’t eaten in years,” only to hear the rejoinder, “Force
yourself!”
