Picture this, though maybe some Democrats would rather you
didn’t. Rep. Dick Gephardt is delivering his valedictory after
being named Mr. San Francisco Democrat of 2003. Amid his tributes
to flower power and transcendental meditation, and kindly
denunciations of machismo, John Wayne, and arrogant unilateralism,
comes word that Mr. Saddam Hussein’s two boys have been done in by
American soldiers who happen to like John Wayne. Some of you might
think Rep. Gephardt’s timing humiliatingly off. Don’t be so sure.
Here is a man of deep political vision and a sense of what might
have been.
He knew all along, for instance, that it was a mistake to
demonstrate machismo and unilateralism in chasing down Saddam’s
kids, at least not before other methods of intervention were
attempted first. Rather than attack with bullets and bombs,
Gephardt would have applied Middle American methods to approach the
house in which the boys were chilling. Drawing on his experience as
the son of a milkman, he’d have driven up to the driveway, carried
a few bottles of milk to the front door, rung the doorbell, and
pleasantly asked if his customers might not also be interested in
some cottage cheese, or vanilla ice cream, or maybe boysenberry
yogurt. If this tactic didn’t work, he’d have sent an Avon lady,
whose person and wares would have definitely attracted the boys’
attention. Then, as a bonus, along would have come a TV satellite
dish installer. With the NFL season about to get into gear, the
boys would have been set for reintegration into modern Western
society. A major international incident would have been avoided.
People like Gephardt have the world figured out.
The New York Times is playing it smart. Faster than it
takes Bob Herbert to print out the latest version of his stump
speech or Maureen Dowd to hiss, the paper went out and appointed
national greatness conservative David Brooks a twice-weekly
columnist. If confirmed, Brooks is expected to change the
ideological balance on the Times’ op-ed bench. That is, unless the
appointment is a prelude to the easing out of William Safire and
elevation of Ms. Dowd as chief columnist. Insiders contend the
affable and witty Brooks was a safe choice — just the sort of
thing that was said when David Souter was named to his current
post. Confirmation won’t be automatic, in any case. Despite its
commitment to full disclosure, the new Times neglected to
come totally clean on Mr. Brooks’s past. From some strange paranoid
reason, its announcement
failed to mention the nominee’s once intimate ties with
National Review and the Washington Times. Expect
a filibuster until this credibility matter is resolved.
In happier news, the Great One, bulbous Bill Clinton, rode to
the rescue of our embattled prince of a president. The incident,
during a birthday tribute to Bob Dole, was entirely unexpected, a
bolt out of the blue as daring as Clinton’s cruise attacks on OBL
and the aspirin factory. It came just as the Clinton-controlled
Democratic National Committee, headed by the most dubious Floridian
since Meyer Lansky, was preparing a full-page ad for Friday’s
New York Times demanding “a full, independent, bipartisan
investigation that will answer the American people’s questions
about Bush’s statements and hold Bush and his administration
accountable for all fabrications.” Hey, but Bill now says he’s
“pulling for America” and its president on Iraq. Just like that he
pulled the Persian rug out for from under his fellow Democrats, who
presumably have all been pulling for Saddam and his boys and their
gangs.
Then Bill added this, “You know, everybody makes mistakes when
they are president.” In other words, in case you haven’t figured it
out, or would never have suspected and could hardly imagine, Bill
is damning with feigned praise. He’s already tried and convicted
our reigning president of everything the Democrats have charged him
with. Why else would he drag Bush down to his level? Bill is an
impeached former President. He knows as well as anyone that Scandal
is his middle name (and his confirmation name, his alias, his pen
name, his nickname, and, when in France and former French colonies,
his nom de plume). So if by some magic he can establish
moral equivalence between himself and the incumbent, he thinks
he’ll be home free.
Lousy try. Wile E. Coyote came closer to catching the Roadrunner
than cartoon Bill will to catching rehabilitation. There’s not much
more in his future than another Enemy of the Week award. That, and
continued domination of the Democrat Party.
