The American Spectator

Another Perspective

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie …

7.7.03 @ 12:04AM

On the eastern seaboard of America the empathetic conservative might feel through his toes slight trembles as the Founding Fathers roll over in their graves. Who would blame them?

The Supreme Court rules that homosexual sodomy is, in the poetry of Justice Kennedy, a liberty "... both in its spatial and more transcendent dimensions." (Stand back Maya Angelou.) Up north, the Ontario Appeals Court chucks the restriction against same-sex marriage. Vermont throbs with the knowledge it will become the first state to legalize gay marriage.

Yes, a slight localized trembling from beneath.

But wait till news reaches the tombs of the Bible's patriarchs. The Richter Scale'll top ten. Even the defiant locked jaws of the most self-righteous liberal will rattle as Lamech, Noah, Abraham, Esau, David, Saul, Solomon and sundry other polygamists of the Bible men turn double flips and flail in their graves.

One sympathizes with the patriarchs. Legalize gay marriage? After having outlawed polygamy? What, give the Sodomites the thumbs up while throwing Noah and Abraham in the klinker for having a couple extra wives? Even Jesus embraced the Mishrah, which allowed for polygamy. What gives?

Time to beat the news curve and be the first to become acquainted with America's newest rights-deprived minority, the polygamists. They'll be in the news soon. For as night follows day, Vermont and other states will soon legalize gay marriage. And as lawyers follow ambulances, so too will polygamists demand restoration of their civil rights. They'll get them, too, for as the Supreme Court makes sense of these matters, it's more sensible to legalize polygamy than same sex marriage.

First, a vocabulary primer. Polygamy refers to all forms of multiple-partner marriages. Polyandry is when one woman has more than one husband. Polygyny is one man having multiple wives. It's safe to say that 99.9% of practiced polygamy is polygyny.

It is noted that only about 15% of our world's rich and diverse cultures prescribe monogamy exclusively. The other 85% accept polygamy as a valid form of marriage with between 10 and 20% of men partaking in the practice. Among these it is the rarest and bravest man who takes more than two wives. Globally, the number of people legally practicing polygamy vastly outnumbers the homosexual population!

How is that America outlawed polygamy? The Bible gives it the go-ahead in the form of polygyny, along with celibacy and monogamy. (Polyandry and homosexuality are verboten.) As Israelite men of yore no doubt resented and envied Solomon selfishly taking 700 comely wives, not to mention another 300 concubines, so too did the Mormon practice of polygyny grate in the moral craw of late 19th century lawmakers.

Polygamy was outlawed in America in the late 1880s through a series of federal acts aimed at Mormons. The major sect of Mormons, the Church of Latter Day Saints (LDS), complied, in part to obtain statehood for Utah. Out of the dozens of Mormon sects that have formed, the term Fundamentalist Mormon can be applied to those who continue to support polygyny.

Today, most reside in a few towns along the southern border of Utah. Estimates range from 30,000 to 50,000. You'll find more homosexuals wearing funny costumes, holding hands and kissing at Disneyworld on Gay Pride Day.

Though polygamy is illegal, it has not been prosecuted since 1953 when the Arizona National Guard stormed the Short Creek polygamist colony on the Arizona/Utah border. As it didn't sit well with the monogamous public to see soldiers taking children away from parents and locking fathers behind bars, this remains the last federal or police action against polygamy.

Judging from personal ads posted on the pro-polygamy site 3Coins.com, polygamists don't appear to deviate much from the American norm. Envision "The Ozzie and Harriet and Veronica Show" with the Nelsons as fundamentalist churchgoers. They believe in family values, the Bible, and fidelity more fervently than most monogamous heterosexual couples I know. Polygamists actually start to come off a bit dowdy. Surely they'd get better press if they'd hold parades and wear colorful, flamboyant costumes.

Here are some excerpts from the personal ads.

"I am seeking a Christian family that would not be seeking any more than 3 wives. Looking for a peaceful life free of chaos with a man who can support his family emotionally, physically, and financially."

Letter to the Editor

topics:
Law, Supreme Court, Founding Fathers, Israel, NATO