Recently the Wall Street Journal explained how “Shut
up!” has evolved from a insulting demand to a playful and versatile
exclamation. In a related development, “I’m sorry” has mutated in
the opposite direction, from apology to, well, “Shut up!”
It’s nothing new that that apologies are often no such thing. A
child is commanded to “say you’re sorry” and responds with a
grudging “SORRR-reee.” The politician issues a non-apology saying,
“I’m sorry if anyone was offended by my remarks.” This doesn’t
mean, “I apologize for what I said” but rather “I wish that people
hadn’t reacted badly to what I said” (because it’s causing me a lot
of trouble). Still, it falls within Webster’s definition of
“sorry”: “feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence.” The convicted
criminal who says he’s sorry before being sentenced is probably
expressing sincere regret, even if he feels no true penitence.
The first real change in the meaning of “sorry” is that it has
become an all-purpose negative response. When someone answers a
request or an argument with “I’m sorry,” more often than not they
are merely saying no. “I’m sorry” is formulaic, not apologetic. OK,
sometimes people really are sorry. And for lots of customer service
personnel — who are sent to the front lines without the means to
meet customers’ needs — “I’m sorry” often expresses sincere
frustration, if not genuine apology.
But doesn’t it seem that “I’m sorry” is often just a quick and
easy substitute for a real response? “I’m sorry” or “Sorry about
that” are couched in the form of an apology only to deflect further
pleading. What’s implied is: “I SAID I’m sorry, so don’t push it!”
If one adds a sharp tone of voice and a heavy sigh, “I’m sorry”
actually becomes a form of reproach, meaning, “How dare you make
such a demand!” Indeed, “I’m sorry” can be an declaration that the
issue is non-negotiable, and the debate is over: “If you don’t like
it, I’m sorry!”
“Sorry” has also become a linguistic defense mechanism. (“Don’t
get mad at ME.”) We’ve all seen signs headlined “SORRY!” You can
post the most ridiculous or onerous regulation, or the most
egregious customer abuse (“SORRY — We reserve the right to close
our customer service desk without notice”). If you say you’re
sorry, it’s OK, right?
Similarly, “I’m sorry” can be used to introduce the most
unreasonable request (“I’m sorry, this entire job will have to be
redone. It doesn’t look the way I expected”) or to note the most
outrageous admission (“A couple of the degrees listed on my resume
are inaccurate — sorry”). This is a preemptive strike intended to
minimize the issue — just one of those things we’re all sorry
for.
Language has meaning. That a term of apology has morphed into a
defense mechanism — even a reproach — is an indication of
something deeper. The abdication of personal responsibility. The
demand for forgiveness without penitence. The belief that what I
say is more important than what I do.
I don’t have to take initiative to help you. I don’t have to
consider what you think or what you need. I don’t have to worry
about the burden placed on you by a request or policy that’s
convenient for me. I don’t have to deal honestly with you or with
myself. Saying I’m sorry is enough — and if you don’t like it, I’m
sorry.
In other words, Shut up!
