Washington — With regard to the last great persecution of the
Twentieth Century, is it possible that we are finally seeing light
at the end of the tunnel? The last great persecution experienced in
this most repressive of all centuries is, of course, the hysterical
persecution of tobacco. And the light that I hope we are seeing is
the lighting of an elegant Marlboro poised on the lips of a
sophisticated sybarite. Is it not about time that discerning adults
be free to light up in a proper setting? In the land of the free
and the home of the brave I view cigarette smoking as a First
Amendment Right.
Now there are indications that cigarette smokers have their
growing vanguards of freedom fighters. The most glamorous of these
civil libertarians is, it appears, Nicole Kidman, the Oscar-winning
actress, who boldly enjoyed a smoke the other day during a press
conference at the Cannes Film Festival. Almost immediately she was
harassed by her director, Lars Von Trier, who directed her new
movie, inelegantly titled, Dogville. The ugly name was, I
assume, his idea not hers. He has shown himself to be a cad. She is
showing herself to be a lady of taste and independence.
I salute her, notwithstanding her opposition to the recent war
in Iraq. Iraqis are famous cigarette smokers, so I suppose it is
possible that Nicole, in her opposition to the war, was merely
showing solidarity with the Iraqis in their right to enjoy tobacco
in public places. Perhaps she feared an American expeditionary
force would bring with it the tobacco patrols that now haunt such
once-free American cities as New York, governed by the Suicide
Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Raise those taxes a bit higher, Mike, and
even non-smokers will call for your neck.
The American-led persecution of tobacco is another blot on our
history. Smoking was once championed by liberals, and though
lighting up just anywhere is insensitive to the rights of
non-smokers, lighting up in properly ventilated places is a right
that all freedom-loving Americans should defend. Nicole, I am with
you. Let us sit down in a smart café, light up, and talk
things over. Writers and other members of the intelligentsia have
long known the digitalis to the cerebral cortex that is supplied by
benign nicotine. It quickens the wit, strengthens perception, and
expands memory. Civilized people have for over a century noted that
tobacco was the sine qua non of every intellectual salon.
The obvious dimming in what Jacques Barzun has called the House of
Intellect is doubtless in part a consequence of the persecution of
cigarette smoking.
Nicole, after a glass of wine and a long leisurely smoke with
you, I might even see the sapience of letting Saddam off the hook.
On the other hand, you might come to my point of view and join me
in calling for a little saber rattling towards the Iranian mullahs.
I particularly like cigars, as did that famed Nobel-Prize winner in
literature W.S. Churchill.
Not only are modern sophisticates such as Nicole joining us in
the liberation of smokers, but science is also coming to our side.
A massively researched paper in the May 17 British Medical Journal
reports that all the hysteria over “secondhand” smoke is without
scientific support. After studying the health records of 100,000
people over four decades, the paper reports, “… environmental
tobacco smoke was not associated with coronary heart disease or
lung cancer mortality at any level of exposure.” And the report
goes on, “These findings suggest that the effects of environmental
tobacco smoke, particularly for coronary heart disease, are
considerably smaller than generally believed.” I knew it all
along.
There are other benefits to be derived from nicotine. It has
been used for the treatment of various psychiatric conditions, and
at a modest cost. It lightens up the gloom now experienced in such
unwholesome venues as health food stores and aerobics studios where
the clientele is so morbidly obsessed with health that it has no
time for life. Nicole’s perky temperament and lovely looks are a
testament to tobacco’s many benefits.
So smokers and friends of freedom, breathe easier. An end to
this dreadful persecution may be at hand. Nicole Kidman has joined
our cause and suggested to me a revision in Kipling’s great line,
“A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.” How about,
“A woman is only a woman, but a cigar-smoking woman is a star”?
