I have a head for numbers — by which I do not mean I’m a math
whiz. I just remember the darned things. Phone numbers especially.
I once woke up remembering a number, remembering that it was
somehow important. So I dialed it and found out it was the
dormitory at Barnard College, at that time a girl’s school. I had
been out of college for years by then.
In the years since, I have effortlessly memorized phone numbers.
But now that’s all changed. Now we have moved to area code 978, to
a place where, what’s more, an area code is required to dial every
number. It took me months to memorize my own phone number. I still
can’t tell you my fax number with any degree of certainty. And I
had to make a conscious effort to memorize the number of our best
friends in the area.
It’s that blasted number seven in the middle. Area codes are
supposed to have ones or zeros in the middle. Without that,
remembering a phone number seems harder than recalling the proper
spelling of a Polish name. (Sorry, Wlady.) It’s all consonants,
numerically speaking.
So here’s a suggestion. Bring back named exchanges. When I was a
kid in Minneapolis, I lived across the street from the Orchard-7
telephone exchange building. It later became Kellogg-7, but no
matter. We need those names back, both for an aid to memory and for
the evocation of place which makes up so large a part of the
American soul. (“St. Paul and Kansas City, Des Moines and
Kankakee…”) There’s an obvious hunger for the combination of
words and numbers. Advertisers do it all the time. How many numbers
like One-Eight Hundred-CARPETS have you heard?
Exchange names mean something. Glenn Miller had a hit with
“Pennsylvania Six, Five Thousand.” An old time girl-group sang
about “Beachwood Four, Five-Seven- Eight-Nine.” (And yes, Wilson
Picket did the same number numerically, but it was a different
tune.) A 1920s whimsy song featured an operator wondering about a
fellow whose voice she had found enchanting: “I’m in love with a
man, Plaza Oh, Double Four, Double Three…”
Exchanges bestow names on neighborhoods — or is it the other
way around? Think of Beekman, Sutton, Plaza, and Murray Hill in New
York; Hollywood in Los Angeles; Walnut, Prospect, and Jordan in San
Francisco.
I’m doing my part. I have named our local exchange “Otter.” We
have Otter-3, Otter-6, and Otter-8 in this area. (Lake Otter lies
not too far away.)
Of course the telephone providers have good reasons for wanting
to use the numeric system (All-Numeric Calling, or ANC, introduced
starting in 1958). Telephone numbers have multiplied. We have four
associated with our household, two cells, a land line, and the
aforementioned forgotten fax. So yes, I know the telephone
companies need more numbers. We can have both.
Cell phones today allow you to send alphabetical messages, or
make alphabetical entries in a phone book or speed-dial directory.
It shouldn’t be hard to program all phones to be able to do the
same thing in places five and six — or indeed anywhere else. You
dial one, then an area code, and then come two places where you can
use the keys on the pad to enter letters of the alphabet. That
effectively turns those two 10-based number system places into a
number system based on 26.
I’ll let John Derbyshire figure out how many more numbers that
would open up.
For my part, I can point to the commercial advantages. Phone
providers can sell the naming rights to exchanges. Think of dialing
Exxon 1-2345. Or Ameritrade 5-4321. How different would it be from
selling the naming rights to a sports stadium, after all? Out in
the hinterlands, you might end up with Bonnie’s Diner 9-8765, or
Jones Veterinary Group 1-2345. But in the cities, it should go
gangbusters. If you can persuade Hotwire to buy pop-up ads on the
Internet, how much harder could it be to persuade them to buy an
entire telephone exchange? Think of the exposure! Think of the
retention! Think of repetition!
Only problem, of course, is that your phone number might change
every year.
