In Week 77 of the rush to war with Iraq, George W. Bush remains
the War League’s leader in number of rushing carries if not yards
gained. But it’s hard to run against a fat front four of Jennings,
Chirac, Schroeder and Saddam. Some question Bush’s blocking. Blair
and Wolfowitz make terrific scatbacks, but they’re not exactly
pulling guards. Perle has the size, but he has never bothered to
get in shape. Bennett, mysteriously, remains on the inactive list.
Powell, though an excellent tight end, has yet to master the
smash-mouth style of what passes for winning football these days.
Finally, Rumsfeld, for all his reputation as an offensive
coordinator, remains untested in the field. For some reason a lot
of military men don’t want to play for him.
Adding to the sluggish ground game is the ugly atmosphere in
which Mr. Bush has to conduct his business. West Europe’s fans are
the worst, loathing America’s team with a blind fury, even though
they don’t know the first thing about helmeted football. But it
doesn’t stop there. As a German writer who’s been leading cheers
against the U.S. told the New York Times, “I know many
Americans who are also anti-American.” Don’t we all, but we just
call them Democrats.
(Now watch us get whistled for a late hit, or what the Dems
would call a hate crime. Then they’d try to get us fined and
suspended. Ya gotta love ‘em. Compassionate conservatism requires
nothing less.)
Incidentally, President Bush is responsible for more than a
snail-speed rushing game. Take two front section reports in
Friday’s Washington Post. One mentions his “controversial
tax cuts.” Another discusses anti-tax riots in Bolivia, where
locals are resisting President Gonzalo Sanchez de Lozada’s efforts
to impose an income tax on the developing citizenry. It’s not hard
to put two and two together. By denigrating taxes, as he has
denigrated Saddam, Mr. Bush has increased the level of tension,
violence, and civic irresponsibility in the world.
Even Prince Charles has had enough, letting it be known that he
stands in solidarity with all Saudi princelings and their acute
fear of American imperialism and Zionist expansionism. Other than
Camilla Parker Bowles, naturally, one of his closest friends is
said to be former Saudi ambassador to the U.K. Ghazi Algosaibi, who
doubles as a poet when the occasion calls for tributes to female
suicide bombers. Algosaibi also compares Israelis to Nazis,
regardless of the risk such a view might bring to Saudi-German
relations. At this rate, how long before Prince Charles begins
shopping at Harrods again?
Meanwhile, Bolivia’s President Sanchez de Lozada has nothing to
lose. If his tax gambit fails, he can count on U.S. Senate
Democrats to have him appointed to a federal judgeship in the
United States. He won’t have to worry about any Philly buster.
Tampa’s Buccaneers played that role last month, but it’s now their
off season.
In the boo-hoo corner, Sean Penn is complaining that his recent
pilgrimage to Iraq has cost him a major role in the upcoming
anti-gay marriage thriller, “Why Men Shouldn’t Marry.” Which is too
bad, given Penn’s long experience in marrying and unmarrying. But
we see what John le Carré meant when he complained about new
McCarthyism in the U.S. What will really upset us is if Penn is
blacklisted from starring in the lead role of any Patton
remake. On second thought, he’d have to shave his head for that
part, which means he’d come out looking more like Patton’s faithful
bull terrier. It would take a Saddam to persuade him to play the
mutt.
We owe the networks a big apology. As do you. The other night,
they sacrificed precious air time that could have been devoted to
sniping at Mr. Bush’s war plans and economic woes to fan public
hysteria about impending attacks on the nation’s capital and
perhaps elsewhere. People rushed to the stores to buy out whatever
they might find in stock. They busily acquired new skills in home
maintenance and strategic planning. They had their SUVs retuned and
refueled. The economy hasn’t enjoyed such stimulus since the days
of Coolidge and Reagan. So thanks, Dan, Tom, Peter, for getting
America moving again.
And just so no can accuse them of shouting “Fire!” in a crowded
theater, let the record show that Washington indeed will be under
siege this weekend, starting with the first wave of attacks Friday
night, to be followed by stronger attacks on Saturday and a
possible all-out onslaught on Sunday. We only hope our lifetime
supplies of duct tape can protect us from the approaching ice and
snow. But even if not, we’ll use it to tape up the mouths of all
those Enemy of the Week Dan, Tom, Peter and Harry’s who wouldn’t
stop shrieking about great terrorist blobs in our midst. What they
forget, as the slow-footed Bush does not, is that before the blobs
get us we’ll have gotten them.
At least that’s the plan.
