It was the one-year anniversary last week of the Fox News
Channel beating CNN for dominance in the ratings, and since then
things have only gotten worse. Confusion has reigned in Atlanta as
executives kept mixing up the graph showing CNN’s ratings decline
with the graph showing AOL Time Warner’s stock price. A management
shakeup has followed with Ted Turner leaving quietly, which is the
first time that particular descriptive term had ever been applied
to him. As CNN attempts to re-invent itself, cable news consumers
will be watching closely; after all, they sure aren’t watching
Donahue. The key to CNN’s resurgence may be to copy other
successful TV shows because even the Raelians have nothing on
television when it comes to cloning. Expect to see these shows in
the near future:
Joe Moneyline — A nightly business
discussion show featuring one-time wealthy corporate executives who
reveal that they’re now $19,000-a-year construction workers. From
the producers of the hit '90s reality show “Temptation NASDAQ.”
American Allies — This reality show
brings together a parade of nations who are allegedly our allies
but hope to hit the international big time by launching into the
same old song about unilateralism and the misuse of American power.
Following their histrionic performances, they’re quickly cut down
to size by a sharp-tongued Brit played by Tony Blair. In the
premiere episode, contestants France and Germany pass their
auditions and are set to invade America’s living rooms. However,
they then put off any invasion through years of dithering,
clandestine business deals with Iraq and backing toothless U.N.
resolutions.
Fear of the O’Reilly Factor — Based
on the similarly-named NBC hit, it follows the travails of CNN
management who would rather eat fish eyes and be immersed in a vat
of maggots than check out the ratings that Bill O’Reilly pulled in
last night.
Larry King Kimmel Live — The King of
Talk and the former Man Show host team up for a nightly
extravaganza of testosterone-fueled softball questions. The show’s
insistence on serving alcohol during the broadcast leads to regular
appearances by Ted Kennedy and, for Larry, a new round of
ill-advised marriages.
CCSI: Connie Chung’s Self-Serving
Investigation — Propriety ends up in a body bag as
the veteran newscaster goes for ratings gold by probing the most
important news stories of our time as long as they involve
abductions, grieving family members or interviewing rejects from
“The Bachelorette.” And, by God, if any of these stories just
happen to contain an element of sex, then so be it!
The Aaron Os-Browns — The Face of CNN
sticks his neck out and borrows from MTV in this series which
focuses on the home life of an absurdly portentous news anchor, his
long-suffering wife and annoying kids. In the premiere episode, the
Os-brown patriarch sonorously expounds at length, complete with a
Robert Frost quote, on living with a collection of incontinent
dogs. Later, dad starts once again referring to the broadcast as
“this page” and the kids react by getting their own apartment and
changing their last name.
Crossfiring Jordan — An attractive
medical examiner tries to pinpoint the cause of the untimely demise
of humor on CNN’s nightly political debate program. Her verdict:
leaden punchline poisoning.
Trading Spaces with the U.N. Weapons
Inspectors — It’s a light-hearted turn for
everyone’s favorite bunch of professional Mr. Magoos as they
inspect an Iraqi VX nerve gas storage facility and then transform
it into the epitome of '70s retro chic. When he sees the lava lamps
and shag carpeting you won’t believe the look on Saddam Hussein’s
face, wherever it happens to be blown to by precision guided
munitions.
