It started early. Wednesday, November 20, 2002. A.D. (CE for the
Ivy League.) The cable folk got their hands on the religious
commercials designed to evangelize people out of their SUV’s and
into smaller, more efficient transport. The title theme was
irresistible: “What Would Jesus Drive?” No anchor would dare pose
the question by himself, but there it was, the title of a
commercial, with clouds, angelic music, the whole works.
So fascinated was CNN’s morning crew that the cable network made
that the question of the day. Login and tell us what you think
Jesus would drive? We’ll be reading your answers on the air all
day. Anchor Leon Harris was emboldened by the shtick to wonder
outloud what kind of little statue Jesus would have on the
dashboard of whatever it was He was driving, because… Well, you
get it.
(As far as is known, nobody got the right answer: Jesus would be
driving the money changers out of the Temple, and all of you
sniggering japers would be out of work. )
But the matter of Jesus’ automotive choice lingered on into the
network evening news efforts where it was regarded as a news item
and run as such. Not in our lifetimes has Jesus as a person been so
attended on the public airwaves. We may pray His omniscience did
not apprehend the remainder of the broadcast day.
At 9 p.m. Eastern Time, CBS offered a calipygian hour entitled
“Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show,” the only fashion shown being
lingerie, paraded by tall and slender models on a hopelessly long
runway. The lingerie was designed to prove once and for all the
mammalian nature of the species and the steatopygic effect of
four-inch high heels.
So affecting was it that it drew a taped appearance by Wayne
Newton and a self-conscious lingerie shopping act by Angie Harmon’s
husband, Jason somebody who plays football. An in-your-face aspect
of the hour is the appearance of some models wearing wings behind
their lingerie. Angels. Get it? One of them confides into the
camera that if she is not awarded wings she is “pissed off.” A
promo wedged (oops!) into the show is for the Letterman Show later
which will feature Carmen Electra and a group of scantily-clad
backup singers. Wingless.
On the theory that once you have seen two you have seen ‘em all,
you could turn to ABC where “The Bachelor” competed with the
lingerie and where a 28-year-old banker is making his final choice
between two survivors of a veritable seraglio of 25 panting young
women. His choice to do what is not exactly spelled out. But the
predominately female audience of 13.3 million who watched last
week’s episode obviously expect something honorable. Or do they?
Anyway, they got it. The young banker picked the brunette, and he
proposed marriage. And the blonde runner-up retreated to the car
and wept. And somehow it all happened just within the allotted two
hours in time to get the late news on on time. The local Washington
ABC station’s news consisted mainly of continuing the bachelor’s
story with interviews of the chosen and of various experts in
mating. For those who suffer post-Bachelor stress syndrome, there
is promised a “Bachelorette” series once we get Christmas out of
the way.
Speaking of that, have you decided yet what kind of car He would
drive? Will there be a sign of some sort? Or should we worry more
about what kind of television He is watching and, more to the
point, is He watching us watching it?
