Washington -- To the beach, and I leave sizzling Washington in
gratifying haste, particularly now that all the politicians have
departed too. When the pols are gone Washington loses its chief
source of amusement and most of its sources of white collar crime,
even an occasional violent criminal. By the way, did you note that
the only member of Congress to oppose the expulsion of convicted
felon, James Traficant, was the Hon. Gary Condit, he of the missing
Chandra Levy enigma? Both men will not be returning to our nation's
capital this fall. They will be missed.
But to return to my subject, I am heading for the beach. What
marvels will I see there? From what I have seen in earlier
peregrinations this summer, I will see many very corpulent
Americanos. Frankly, fat people do not trouble me. I prefer them to
the skinny, angular Americans, many of which look like terminal
cases. There are myths about body types. Redheads are supposedly
choleric. Tubby persons are supposedly merry. Most of us recognize
that these stereotypes are often inaccurate. There are fat people
who are irritable and gloomy. But have you ever met a cheerful
skinny person? If they were to laugh their bones would rattle. I
think we can conclude that skinny people are grim, and that the
self-righteously skinny are the sworn enemies of the rotund. I side
with the rotund, and will greet them genially at the beach --
assuming they are properly clothed.
After all, the rotund are about to become targets of America's
health Gestapo. Not content with rendering life miserable for
tobacco smokers and only slightly less miserable for oenologists
and moderate drinkers, the health Gestapo's agents are opening a
new theater of operations. This time they are training their
blunderbusses on fast food restaurants and candy and soft drink
machines. They are focusing their solicitude on those whom they say
are overweight. Their assumption is that those who tip the scales a
few pounds on the heavy side are overweight because of their diets.
Well, perhaps, but what business is it of ours? The sophistry that
the health Gestapo lays down on us is that fat people burden
Medicare and Medicaid with inordinately pricey medical bills. I
call this a sophistry because the overweight also have lower life
expectancies. Consequently, they are less of a burden on the
healthcare system than the rest of us.
Of course, the health Gestapo's main complaint is not against
the fat but against the Giant Corporations that feed them. The
"food industry," two Ivy League medical busybodies write in the
Washington Post, "spends an estimated $10 billion to
influence the eating behavior of children." So these two food
snoops and their allies among the so-called consumerists are
inveighing against the "food industry" and fast-food corporations
in particular. A New York lawyer has just filed a class-action
lawsuit against McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC, claiming
his client became obese and ill because of the delicious products
of these profitable corporations.
Anyone the least familiar with the products of America's food
producers knows that these companies are very health conscious and
responsive to America's hungry consumers. Their production lines
produce caffeine-free drinks, low-fat delicacies, the sodium-free,
the sugar-free -- you name it. If it is healthy and tasteless,
Americans can buy it.
My guess is that fat people are fat because they want to be fat.
Unlike the skinny, the fat are nicely cushioned. Whenever they sit
or lie down it is probably like easing oneself into a plush sofa or
chair. Some of the fat whom I shall see at the beach might actually
be aesthetes familiar with the fleshy painting of Raphael and other
Renaissance voluptuaries, and eager to imitate their works of art
with their very own bodies.
So here is a toast to fat people, perspiring in the sunshine,
guzzling whatever consumer product they desire. I look forward to
seeing them at the beach, and I shall only ask that they keep their
boom boxes at a moderate volume and not roll over on me.
topics:
Business, Medicaid, Law, Medicare
