5.31.02 @ 3:07PM
Excuse our French, in other words.
Jeepers, bleepers, the hand of John Ashcroft is being
subliminally felt from coast to coast. A New York-based ABC women's
show rebroadcast in the Pacific time zone removed the name of Jesus
from a dieter's exclamation, "Yes, and thank you, thank you, Jesus,
is all I have to say." Now in certain rightist circles that
bleep-over was seen as a sure sign of paranoid leftist
anti-religiosity. But our own FBI-backed mind reading detected the
another motive behind the censor's action: concern that one of the
early commandments means what it says about not taking God's name
in vain. The ACLU is now investigating who's been displaying the
Ten Commandments at ABC's West Coast bureau. The separation of
Church and Television has never seemed more urgent.
Meanwhile, enlightened Cambridge, Massachusetts, remains
atwitter at a graduating Harvard student's premeditated use of
another five-letter J-word in his commencement address. "American
Jihad" is the title of his speech, and he assures would-be FBI
informants that his understanding of the word excludes the
possibility of holy war and a repeat of 9/11. Rather, properly
understood, jihad is really "a struggle for the refinement of self,
for perfecting one's own inner morality." For instance, when a
suicide bomber straps explosives to his or her waist and sets them
off, he (or she) has truly found a way to perfect his (or her)
inner morality.
In other explosiveness, the Bush Brothers have cornered the
market on Everglades environmentalism, effectively putting the
kibosh on oil and gas exploration in the Gulf Coast area. The new
policy "angers Californians," the trouble-making New York
Times announced -- though no California paper made a big deal
about it, despite widespread opposition in the gas-guzzling golden
state to offshore drilling. Apparently it's true what they say
about California: that no one there gives a hoot about what goes on
elsewhere.
No one much cares what goes on in Chicago either, if the vote of
12 nominally GOP senators is any indication. Our agent Jack Hughes
singles out solons Grassley, Lugar, McCain, Hutchinson, Burns,
Inhofe, Roberts, Brownback, Allard, Crapo, Snowe, and Collins for
joining with Democrats to award the Daley machine with $6 billion
in ostensible airport improvement funds that will largely go to
further corrupt local Democrats and defeat Republicans this fall.
Other than that, it sounds like a smart investment.
Ironically, at least one Republican risked angering this
public-service-performing column by holding money back. A Pentagon
insider reminded Enemy Central late last week that Sen. Phil Gramm
has once again killed legislation to create an education center at
the Vietnam Veterans Memorial that would preach patriotism and
service to one's country.
Forget the Florida recount. The real numbers controversy has
shifted to the Internet, where various bloggers and cloggers are
accusing rival sites of wildly inflating their traffic stats.
Naturally, the worst offender appears to be the Democratic Party
mouthpieces at the American Prospect Online, who record a
"unique visitor hit" for every dollar raised by Terry McAuliffe and
every shakedown of a dues-paying union worker by John Sweeney. They
could teach Arthur Andersen a thing or two.
Happiness reigns at NBC, where the Tom Brokaw countdown has
commenced. In 500 days or so he will retire from television's Holy
Trinity and perhaps team up with Walter Cronkite on yachting
outings with the Kennedys. Best of all, his chair will be filled by
Brian Williams, about whom enough cannot be said. In brief, he's
the ideal anchor: boyish and easily mistaken for the local
affiliate's weekend weather man. The one concern is whether he
knows enough French to understand David Gregory.
That could be a tall order. Thanks to simultaneous translation
whiz Lucianne Goldberg, the queen of international protocol, we now
know that Mr. Gregory's famous question to President Chirac was
replete with faulty grammar. What a fiasco. Can any American again
seriously show his face in France? Sad to say, the dommage
has been done. Mr. Gregory comes away empty handed save for this
week's EOW prize. Perhaps next time he feels a frog in his throat
NBC will automatically activate its bleepers.
(Send your enemy nominations to
editor@TheAmericanProwler.org.)
topics:
Education, Television, Environment, NATO, Oil
